


Its a Winchester Family Christmas

by hvnlyangel80



Series: Sounds of Our Soul [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, F/M, Jo even sings!!!, M/M, Moose comes home!!!, Music Soothes the Savage Beast, Musician!Dean, Singer!Cas, So Much Angst!!! Im #sorrynotsorry, These boys still have some issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2018-12-05 19:47:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11584956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hvnlyangel80/pseuds/hvnlyangel80
Summary: Okay, so the boys have made it through their first semester at college together and now they have hit Christmas Break. What happens when Sammy comes home for the holidays?? Will he accept Castiel?? Is John gonna make an appearance??? And what is with Alastair?!?!?! can we say CREEPY!!!





	1. In Which Sammy Comes Home

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost... the title of this part is only a working title right now... i have no clue if it will stick... but whatever the final becomes, i will edit this part out later... Okay... if you haven't read My Favorite T, then you might want to... i honestly don't know how much sense this part and the subsequent parts are going to make if you don't read the previous works... but i guess you can try... i know the first part, mft, can be read and end it there, so long as you don't want to know what alastair is doing and whether john shows up or what happens when sammy comes home... all of which are very good questions... some of which will be answered with this part... I hope you guys enjoy it!!! Seriously... comments and kudos!!! Life blood for writers!!! We gotta know somebody likes what we are doing!!! Thank you guys for reading this far!!! On with the story!!! lol (also, beware, tags will likely change as story progresses...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas can barely sit still let alone concentrate on anything... So Jo helps steer him to something to keep him occupied while Dean picks up Sam from the airport.

     Cas stands in their regular corner of the Roadhouse, watching as Jo sets up her shot in their game of partners against Meg and Zar. He taps his fingers on his cue as he looks back and forth between the door and the game. It’s Friday night, two weeks until Christmas and most of their group took their last exam Thursday with a one or two having a morning exam today before being released for Christmas Break. Though it is somewhat early in the evening, this is the main reason their bar isn’t quite as busy as it usually is on Friday nights. Most of the students left last night to go home for the holidays. The rest left out after their last test today. The only patrons in the bar are the regulars who live around here or the students who, for whatever reason, aren’t going home.

     Sam Winchester is flying in after his last test of the day and Charlie and Dean left to pick him up at the airport about 15 minutes ago. Cas isn’t even sure if Dean has told his brother about him. Cas has never seen him call Sam, but even though they practically live together now, they don’t spend every waking moment with each other. He is sure it won’t matter that he is a guy, so long as Dean is happy - he hopes. Still, the idea of meeting his boyfriend’s **_family_ -**family, Dean’s little brother, has him nervous anyway. He just can’t figure out exactly how he is supposed to act and he is really worried he is going to say or do something that will positively wreck everything.

     Jo has to call his name three times before he realizes he is holding up the game and Jo shares a worried glance with Zar. He tries to concentrate on his shot, he really does, but it goes wide and knocks the eight ball in the corner pocket. Cas slumps his shoulders with a groan and turns to apologize to Jo for losing the game, but she cuts him off.

     “Why don’t you play us some music Cas?”

With a deep sigh and a look of gratitude, he turns to head behind the bar.

     “Any particular requests?”

     “Just play whatever you feel like.”

     “Well, right now I feel a little Taylor-y” Cas says, looking up at Jo through his lashes “but you know I can’t do her music justice with my voice. Would you come sing if I played?”

     “Oooohhh… Taylor??? Of COURSE!!! Which one?”

     “ _Blank Space_?”

     “Perfect!!” Jo turns to Zar and Meg who are already setting the game up again for just themselves. “You guys okay by yourself for a little bit?”

     “Go! Go love!!! We got this over here. You just take care of our Cassie before he self-destructs.” Zar answers as he listens to Cas finding the pre-set beat on the house keyboard.

Jo reaches the stage and after a moment Cas finds the key he wants and sighs again as he loses himself in the music and Jo’s voice as it fills the bar.

 _“Nice to meet you, where you been?_  
_I could show you incredible things_  
_Magic, madness, heaven, sin_  
_Saw you there and I thought,_  
_Oh my God, Look at that face_  
_You look like my next mistake_  
_Love’s a game, wanna plaaaay-ay?’_  
  
_New money, suit and tie_  
_I can read you like a magazine_  
_Ain’t it funny, rumors fly,_  
_And I know you heard about me_  
_So hey, let’s be friends_  
_I’m dying to see how this one ends_  
_Grab your passport and my hand_  
_I can make the bad guys good for a weekend_

 _So it’s gonna be forever_  
_Or it’s gonna go down in flames_  
_You can tell me when it’s over_  
_If the high was worth the pain_  
_Got a long list of ex-lovers_  
_They’ll tell you I’m insane_  
_‘Cause you know I love the players_  
_And you love the game_

 _‘Cause we’re young and we’re reckless_  
_We’ll take this way too far_  
_It’ll leave you breathless_  
_Or with a nasty scar_  
_Got a long list of ex-lovers_  
_They’ll tell you I’m insane_  
_But I’ve got a blank space baby_  
_And I’ll write your name_

 _Cherry lips, crystal skies_  
_I could show you incredible things_  
_Stolen kisses, pretty lies_  
_You’re the King, baby, I’m your Queen_  
_Find out what you want_  
_Be that girl for a month_  
_Wait, the worst is yet to come, oh no_

 _Screaming, crying, perfect storms_  
_I can make all the tables turn_  
_Rose garden filled with thorns_  
_Keep you second guessing like_  
_‘Oh my God, who is she?’_  
_I get drunk on jealousy_  
_But you’ll come back each time you leave_  
_‘Cause, darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream_

 _So it’s gonna be forever_  
_Or it’s gonna go down in flames_  
_You can tell me when it’s over_  
_If the high was worth the pain_  
_Got a long list of ex-lovers_  
_They’ll tell you I’m insane_  
_‘Cause you know I love the players_  
_And you love the game_

 _‘Cause we’re young and we’re reckless_  
_We’ll take this way too far_  
_It’ll leave you breathless_  
_Or with a nasty scar_  
_Got a long list of ex-lovers_  
_They’ll tell you I’m insane_  
_But I’ve got a blank space, baby_  
_And I’ll write your name_

 _Boys only want love if it’s torture_  
_Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya_  
_Boys only want love if it’s torture_  
_Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya_

 _So it’s gonna be forever_  
_Or it’s gonna go down in flames_  
_You can tell me when it’s over_  
_If the high was worth the pain_  
_Got a long list of ex-lovers_  
_They’ll tell you I’m insane_  
_‘Cause you know I love the players_  
_And you love the game_

 _‘Cause we’re young and we’re reckless_  
_We’ll take this way too far_  
_It’ll leave you breathless_  
_Or with a nasty scar_  
_Got a long list of ex-lovers_  
_They’ll tell you I’m insane_  
_But I’ve got a blank space, baby_  
_And I’ll write your name.”_

The song ends and Jo looks over at Cas as he moves into the next song he feels. As the words to _All You Wanted_ by Michelle Branch pour out of him, she jumps down off the stage and wanders over to talk to Balthazar and Meg.

     “I’m really worried about our boy, over there. He is so lost inside his head and I know he is making this so much worse than it’s going to be.”

     “I know this, dear, as do you. But when he gets like this, all we can do is be here for him to help him through it.” Balthazar takes a deep breath before he continues. Things have been going so good for their friends recently, Balthazar knows he is really the only one that has seen their friend like this. “He has been through so much, and we really have only seen the tip of the iceberg. I mean, his parents, when he came out, all but disowned him. They showed their disapproval, but they thought it was a ‘phase’ he would grow out of. They ‘accepted’ his relationship with… _Crowley_ … because they didn’t think it would last as long as it did. And apparently, when he was in the hospital, instead of rushing there to make sure he was okay, they started berating him, saying things like ‘You should have known this would happen.’ And ‘What are my employees going to think of this when word gets out? I can’t have a son that is out as a “fairy”.’ I think he is afraid that our boy Sammy is going to be like them, silently disapproving but knows he doesn’t actually have a say in it.”

     “But Sam’s not like that!”

     “Again, I know this, and so do you. But Cassie over there only has his past experiences to draw from and, well” Zar lifts his shoulders in a shrug “his experiences haven’t been on the rainbows and sprinkles end of the spectrum when it comes to people being accepting of him. Hell, until we dragged him in here, I was the only friend he had here.”

     “Hey! What am I? Chopped liver?”

     “Of course not Meg. I didn’t mean to belittle your friendship with him. It’s just, you only saw him when you came to see me, so I don’t think that he really considered you _his_ friend, rather, more _my_ friend that **tolerated** him. At least until he started opening up here that is.” Zar quickly placates the woman that was shooting him daggers.

     “So, what are we gonna do about it” Meg asks the two as she lines up her next shot.

     “The only thing we can do, which Jo already did beautifully, I might add. Help him take his mind off it by playing his music.” As they listen, the song changes again. The melodies of _Sister Christian_ by Night Ranger fill the bar. Some of the patrons in the bar join in singing as Cas’ voice carries through.

 _Sister Christian oh the time has come_  
_And you know that you're the only one to say_  
_O.K._  
_Where you going what you looking for_  
_You know those boys don't want to play no more with you_  
_It's true_

 _You're motoring_  
_What's your price for flight_  
_In finding mister right_  
_You'll be alright tonight_

 _Babe, you know you're growing up so fast_  
_And mama's worrying that you won't last to say_  
_Let's play_  
_Sister Christian there's so much in life_  
_Don't you give it up before your time is due_  
_It's true_  
_It's true yeah_

 _Motoring_  
_What's your price for flight_  
_You've got him in your sight_  
_And driving through the night_

 _Motoring_  
_What's your price for flight_  
_In finding mister right_  
_You'll be alright tonight_

 _Motoring_  
_What's your price for flight_  
_In finding mister right_  
_You'll be alright tonight_

 _Motoring_  
_What's your price for flight_  
_In finding mister right_  
_You'll be alright tonight_

 _Sister Christian_  
_Oh the time has come_  
_And you know that you're the only one_  
_To say O.K._  
_But you're motoring_  
_You're motoring_

They listen and watch their friend carefully as a little over an hour and a half passes and he continues to play. He plays what’s in his head or in his heart and when that’s not enough, he plays what the patrons request. When he gets up to take a little break, Jo finds him and leads him out the back door to talk to him.

     “Darlin, I’m worried about you. Are you going to be ok?”

With a deep sigh, Cas carves his hands through his hair.

     “I think so. It’s just – I just – Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing here. This is Dean’s time with his family. I shouldn’t be here. He doesn’t get much time with his brother as it is and I know he is going to want to spend as much of it with Sam as he can. He doesn’t need me here intruding on that precious time or being a distraction. I should have just gone home.” He finishes, his face falls as he thinks of what awaited him had he gone home.

     “Stop right there. Do you love him?” She waits silently, watching him pointedly.

     “Yes.” Cas answers honestly, quietly, when he realizes she isn’t going to continue until he does.

     “Good. Then that’s all that matters because I know Dean wants you here.”

     “But-“

     “But nothing! Sam loves Dean. Sam knows that Dean is bi and he doesn’t care.” Jo hears Cas’ disbelieving scoff. “He doesn’t. He knows about Charlie and me. He knows that Dean has had past relationships, with girls ** _and_** guys. Hell, there have been times Sam has made comments that have made me wonder about his own preferences.” At this Cas’ head lifts and he watches her with narrowed eyes. “What? It’s true. And it would not change a thing about how any of us feel about him if he _is_ bi. And he knows this. Look, he may decide to goad Dean or tease you a little, but that is just how Sam is, I promise. There are only two things that Sam is going to care about. Number one, do you love him. You just answered that question. While I get the feeling you haven’t said that aloud to anyone but me, not even yourself yet, I can see it in your eyes that it’s the truth.”

     “What’s number two?” Cas can’t stop himself from asking.

     “Number two is, do you make Dean happy. I can answer that before he even gets here. Hell anyone who knows anything about Dean can answer that question with a resounding YES!” Cas raises his eyebrow at this and stares her down disbelievingly. “It’s true, whether you believe it or not. You didn’t see him before. You don’t know how he was. It was school, practice, work, and sleep. But it was as if he was on autopilot. He wasn’t living, he just existed. But that was before you. Now? Now he is like a completely different person. He smiles more, he laughs freely, and his music, I think it used to be his escape but ever since you it’s like it has become his voice instead. When he sings now, I can hear in his voice how much he loves you. When he looks at you it’s almost like you are the only thing in the world that exists for him.” Jo pauses in her monologue and lets him take in her words.

     “Look, I’m not trying to force your hand or his into rushing faster than you guys are ready for. I am just saying, don’t put up any hurdles that don’t need to be there, okay?”

     “Okay, I’ll try.” Is the response she gets and while she knows she can’t ask for more than that, she still can’t help but to worry for her friend as they head back inside.

She heads back over to their pool table as he goes back to the stage to talk to Kevin, Ash, and Benny who showed up during their talk.

Once everyone is in position and sufficiently warmed up, the band begins to play Song #3 by Stone Sour and Cas closes his eyes, letting the music and the lyrics pour from his soul. He doesn’t hear the door to the Roadhouse open or see the tall, lumbering moose of a man that enters a few steps in front of Dean and Charlie.

Sam starts toward their group, and then stops as he realizes his brother isn’t following. As he watches Dean, their group comes around and pulls him over to the bar to sit and talk as Cas sings to Dean, not even knowing he is there.

 _If you take a step towards me_  
_You will take my breath away_  
_So I’ll keep you close and keep my secret safe_

 _No one else has ever loved me_  
_No one else has ever tried_  
_I never understood how much I could take_

                Cas opens his eyes at this line and as he begins the next part of the verse, his eyes find Deans, and his breath hitches at what he sees there - unbridled passion warring with pure, unadulterated fascination. He continues with the song with barely a pause to stop the flow, but Cas can’t take his eyes off Dean as he moves to sit in front of the stage, his brother and their friends forgotten as he lets Cas’ voice wash over him.

 _Then I saw the worst was over_  
_When I laid my eyes on you_  
_It was all that I could do to know my place_

 _Out of all the vast illusions_  
_Out of all the dreams come true_  
_I was gone until I finally saw your face_

 _If you cried out for more_  
_If you reached out for me_  
_I would run into the storm_  
_Just to keep you here with me_  
_I have gone beyond my years_  
_I’ve wasted half my life_  
_But I found it all in you_

 _Did I save you?_  
_‘Cause I know you saved me too_

 _Let me take a step towards you_  
_Let me feel you in my hands_  
_Let me cross this line and show you where it leads_

 _There’s a darkness down inside me_  
_That I know we’ll both enjoy_  
_And it’s screaming from within to set it free_

 _I have left this bloody nightmare_  
_In my wake but out of sight_  
_All I want is deviation by design_

 _Out of all the past confusion_  
_Out of all the common spite_  
_Just tell me I am yours ‘cause you are mine_

 _And if you cried out for more_  
_If you reached out for me_  
_I would run into the storm_  
_Just to keep you here with me_  
_I have gone beyond my years_  
_I’ve wasted half my life_  
_But I found it all in you_  
_Did I save you?_  
_‘Cause I know you saved me too_

 _It doesn’t really matter what you do or say_  
_Im never going anywhere anyway_  
_‘Cause when I’m dying for you_  
_I’ve never felt so alive_

 _If you cried out for more_  
_If you reached out for me_  
_I would run into the storm_  
_Just to keep you here with me_  
_I have gone beyond my years_  
_I’ve wasted half my life_  
_But I found it all in you_  
_Did I save you?_  
_‘Cause I know you saved me too_

_I know you saved me too_

When the last strains of the song is over, Dean stands and offers his hand to his boyfriend to help him down from the stage and pull Cas to him. Dean snakes a hand around Cas’ waist while the other weaves its way up his neck and into his hair. Looking into his eyes, his fragmented moan barely escapes before he takes Cas’ lips with his own. They stay like this for a minute before they come up for air, lost in each other’s eyes until a cleared throat reminds them of where they are. They both look over to see their friends trying to hide their laughter and smiles behind their hands while Sam, standing there trying to hide his own mirth, just looks between the two of them with a raised eyebrow.

Cas, who can do nothing but hide his beet red face in Dean’s shoulder, can’t stop the shaking of his body. Dean, on the other hand, is shaking for an entirely different reason and he chuckles with their friends as he tries to get Cas to lift his head so he can do the introductions.

     “Cas,” he says when the man finally looks at him. “This is my baby brother, Sam. Sam, this is my boyfriend, Cas.”

     “I am very pleased to meet you.” Cas responds as he turns and extends his hand to Sam to shake. Sam, who raises his eyebrow further – if that’s possible, looks between the face of the man in his brother’s arms and the outstretched hand a few times before letting a wide, brilliant smile light up his face. Next thing Cas knows, he is pulled into a bear hug – or would that be a moose-hug? – and everyone around them is laughing while Cas looks like he is about to have a heart attack.


	2. In Which Cas Feels Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sammy helps Cas deal with some of his issues, after figuring out how to get him past them... And we have a surprise guest or two that show up!!! *who could it be???*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... first of all... i am SOOOO sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. They were not telling me the story!!! And then by the time they were telling me the story, i was so crazy busy in r/l i couldn't find the time, or stay awake long enough, to be able to get it out. On top of that... I was dealing with some things in my head. I think that might have came out a little... but i hope you like the chapter. More notes at the end as well as the first dedication of one of my chapters. (slight spoiler if you read it first... however it may serve as a trigger warning... dont want to spoil anything... but if you feel you must, please read the end notes before reading the chapter). Thank you for being so patient everyone!!!

     Cas is in desperate need of a breather. He looks around the group and whispers in Dean’s ear that he will be right back. He moves as if he is going toward the bathroom, but when he is positive no one is watching he heads to the back door.

     He steps outside and takes a deep breath at the rush of cold air. Winter in Kansas is no joke, but it seems to be just what Cas needs as he shivers slightly, pulling his trench coat he grabbed from the peg by the back door tighter around him. Thankful that the building seems to block the breeze from being strong enough to cut through him, he carves his fingers through his hair as he looks skyward, growling to whatever powers that be and wondering why he just can’t seem to get his shit together. With a heavy sigh, he moves to the back of Baby and lies back against her trunk, staring at the stars as he tries to figure out what it is that is bothering him.

     It certainly isn’t Sam. They have been here for hours and not only has the man been welcoming and friendly, he has even made teasing jokes about being part of the family and calling him his future brother in law, causing a wonderful blush to creep up Dean’s neck and tinge his cheeks. The only thing Cas can figure is he _still_ feels like he is intruding.

     While he can logically tell his mind that this is his anxiety messing with him, that does nothing for the fact that his smile is only plastered on his face and doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It does nothing to quell the realization that he has offered nothing to the conversation, really, but rather has sat on the sidelines watching the people he has grown to love very deeply over the last three, almost four months, have a wonderful time in each others’ presence.

     He has no idea how much time has lapsed since he came outside, and he is so lost in his thoughts he doesn’t hear the back door to the bar open and softly close. Nor does he hear the crunch of the gravel under the footsteps that steadily approach.

     “You okay Cas?” Sam’s voice softly brings him out of his head and he sits up, leaning against the back of Baby.

     “I… hey Sam. Sorry. I didn’t hear you come out.”

     “It’s all good. Dean was starting to wonder if you fell in and I told him I would go get you, since I kinda saw you sneak out the back door.” The last bit Sam says looking down at the toe shuffling the gravel around. “I figured you had wanted a moment and didn’t think you would like Dean finding you out here, since you didn’t tell him and all.”

     Cas sighs deeply and turns to the trees behind the building.

     “Look, if it’s something I did… like if I came on too strong with that hug and all the teasing and everything, I can dial it back. I just… I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here. These are your friends as much as they are my family man.” Sam moves to lean against the back end of the Impala and waits as patiently as he can for some kind of response.

     “It’s not you, I promise, it’s not. I don’t even know if I know what it is let alone how to explain it. I just, I don’t know.” Cas stops with another sigh, this one more telling than the last, and moves away from Baby, almost beginning to pace. Instead of trying to find the words, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and after a few taps and swipes and a few more taps, he sets it down on Baby’s trunk and begins to sing as Chester Bennington’s voice comes out softly over the speaker.

_I don’t like my mind right now_   
_Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary_   
_Wish that I could slow things down_   
_I wanna let go, but there’s comfort in the panic_   
_And I drive myself crazy_   
_Thinking everything’s about me_   
_Yeah I drive myself crazy_   
_‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity_

_I’m holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_   
_Holding on_   
_To so much more than I can carry_   
_I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down_   
_If I just let go, I’d be set free_   
_Holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_

Cas continues the song called **Heavy** by Linkin Park by himself, also singing the part by Kiiara, making only two slight changes to the words heard coming from his phone as he tries to help his boyfriend’s brother understand what even he doesn’t.

_You’ll say that I’m paranoid_   
_But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me_   
_It’s not like I make the choice_   
_To let my mind stay so fucking messy_   
_I know I’m not the center of the universe_   
_But he keeps spinning round me just the same_   
_I know I’m not the center of the universe_   
_But he keeps spinning round me just the same_

_I’m holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_   
_Holding on_   
_To so much more than I can carry_   
_I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down_   
_If I just let go, I’d be set free_   
_Holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_

_I know I’m not the center of the universe_   
_But he keeps spinning round me just the same_   
_I know I’m not the center of the universe_   
_But he keeps spinning round me just the same_   
_And I drive myself crazy_   
_Thinking everything’s about me_

_I’m holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_   
_Holding on_   
_To so much more than I can carry_   
_I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down_   
_If I just let go, I’d be set free_   
_Holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_

_Why is everything so heavy?_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_

     Sam is quiet as he watches Cas stand there, his eyes closed as tears spill from the corners of his eyes, the last line of the song spoken rather than sung before complete silence. It only takes Sam a moment before he moves to this man he knows his brother has come to love (even if Dean doesn’t know or won’t admit it yet) and wraps him in a soft hug. A sob breaks from Cas as he lays his head on the shoulder of the man he met only hours ago and he just lets go.

     Soft shushing noises come from the moose-man that cradles him in such a careful embrace. The hand that moves on his back steadies him and grounds him until he is able to compose himself and he takes a step back.

     Sam leans against Baby again and watches as Cas takes a moment to clean his face up as best as he can.

     “How long have you suffered from anxiety, Castiel?” Sam questions quietly.

     Cas looks up sharply and sees a knowing look in the eyes that stare back at him. He sighs and shrugs his shoulders.

     “As long as I can remember. For the longest time, I thought it was normal. Then I had an attack in front of my brother Gabe and he looked at me like I had grown another head. It took me forever to convince him not to tell Mom and Dad.”

     “Wait, have you never been diagnosed?”

     Cas shakes his head, looking down at the gravel refusing to meet Sam’s eyes.

     “You don’t have any medicine to take for it? No one to watch over you and help you through it?

     Another shake of the head with the same stubborn refusal to look up.

     “What do you do to ground yourself?”

     “Breathe. Tuck my head between my legs. Sometimes I rock myself. I don’t have attacks as often as I used to. Not since I got out of the hospital and came here. Gabe used to watch for them, but since I’ve been here and I’ve been roommates with Zar, he seems to know how to help me. And then Dean came along and the last actual attack I think I had was when he kissed me and I ran out here and ended up telling Zar and Jo about… well… about why I was in the hospital… and Dean came out here and heard it. Before him, I could usually feel them coming, and I would put in my ear buds and my music would help me calm down. But ever since being with Dean, I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel so serene when I’m with him.”

     Cas begins to pace back and forth as Sam watches him, trying to figure out what might have been his trigger tonight.

     Almost as though he can read Sam’s thoughts, or maybe he can just read his face, Cas continues. “And I can’t figure out why I seem to be having one tonight, either. Earlier, I understood the panic, or the almost panic. I hadn’t met you yet, and despite what everyone was saying about how accepting you were… are… well, I just couldn’t let myself relax and believe it until I was actually able to see it with my own two eyes. But you have been here for hours and you’re just as everyone told me you would be, teasing - but in a fun way, nice, considerate. A true testament to the way your brother raised you.”

     “Wait, Dean told you about that? Already??” Sam stands straight up, his eyes shooting to the door leading back to his brother.

     Cas actually has the grace to look discombobulated, as it is his turn to shuffle the gravel with his toes. He clears his throat.

     “Um, actually, no… well… Jo gave me what Benny called the Campbell’s Soup version?” he answers as he looks up with a questioning glance.

     Sam actually laughs out loud at that and nods thoughtfully. “Ah, yes, the condensed version. Okay… I can see that. She probably didn’t want to take a chance on Dean NOT telling you and having _dear ol’ dad_ run you off. That is if Dean doesn’t do it with his _attitude_ as he waits for the other shoe to drop. He seems to be doing all right, for the moment, but _we_ know what to watch for. You don’t, not quite yet anyway.” A shiver visibly runs through Sam, either from memories or from the gust of wind that makes it to where they are and Sam rubs his hands up and down his arms, realizing he didn’t have the foresight to grab a coat before following Cas.

     “But enough on that topic. We’ve been out here long enough. I’m surprised they haven’t sent a search party yet. Are you okay to go back inside??” Sam asks as he takes a step closer, putting a comforting hand on the other man’s shoulder as he turns to grab his phone back up.

     Cas looks at Sam and his eyes go a little wide as he realizes how much he has relaxed since he came outside.  “Yeah… I think I’m okay.” He takes a deep breath, as if testing the tightness in his chest… and then another…  nodding his head as he turns to walk with Sam back inside, but then stops when he realized Sam hasn’t moved and he turns, tilting his head to the side as he looks back at Sam with a question in his gaze.

     “Music. I think that’s your coping mechanism. That seems to be what grounds you, when you have access to it. Just singing that one song has already made you feel this much better. Maybe you need to sing another. I saw how lost in that song you were when we got here. If that’s what it takes for you to get it out, to get back into your right headspace, then do it. I know I don’t mind listening to your voice. Look, how about this? When we get back inside, just go on to the bathroom and clean yourself up a bit and I’ll go explain what happened to everyone. Think over the song idea, though because I’m sure you won’t hear any objections from anyone else if you decide to sing again, okay??” Sam pats Cas on the back a couple times as he passes him heading to the door. He stops, holding it open, waiting for Cas to catch up.

     Cas turns to head to the restrooms past the stage as Sam turns to head to the pool tables and almost bumps into Dean.

     “There you are!! What happened?? Is everything ok??” Dean looks back and forth between his brother, the retreating back of his boyfriend and the door they just came from.

     “Yes Dean. I promise. He will be right back.” He puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder, loving that he is the ‘big’ brother in size because it makes it so much easier to maneuver his brother when he is distracted. “I’ll explain in a second, just c’mon.”

     They make it back to the corner and everyone looks up. Dean just shrugs, turning to look at Sam as he grabs his beer from where he left it, waiting for Sam to speak.

     “Okay. Cas is alright.” He starts before anyone can pester him with questions. “He was having a slight anxiety attack and he needed to step outside.” He puts his hand up to stop Dean as he moves to go after his boyfriend. “He’s alright Dean. Well, he’s _better_. I saw him walk outside and when he didn’t come back in, I followed him. But he is better, sorta.  Just… just give him a few minutes and he will be back. Okay? I promise.”

     While everyone takes the explanation and goes back to their conversation, Sam sips his own beer, watching as his brother watches and waits for Cas to return to him. A few more minutes pass and then they hear music flowing through the bar and Dean sees Sam smile as everyone looks at each other before heading over to the stage to see who is singing. When they see who it is, Ash and Benny move to their instruments to play for Cas as Kevin takes over the keyboard and the sounds of Linkin Park’s **A Place For My Head** fills the bar.

     “This is to the one who broke me. If I never see him again, it will be too soon.” Cas says with his eyes to the floor, as the words of the song become the beginning of his emotional purge.

_I watch how the moon sits in the sky in the dark night_   
_Shining with the light from the sun_   
_And the sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming_   
_The moon's gonna owe it one_

_It makes me think of how you act for me_   
_You do favors and then rapidly_   
_You just turn around and start asking me_   
_About things that you want back from me_

_I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger_   
_Sick of you acting like I owe you this_   
_Find another place to feed your greed_   
_While I find a place to rest_

_I wanna be in another place_   
_I hate when you say you don't understand_

     Kevin leans up to his microphone to sing the extra parts for Cas as he continues the main lyrics.  
  
_(You'll see it's not meant to be)_  
 _I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy_  
 _A place for my head_

_Maybe someday I'll be just like you_   
_And step on people like you do and_   
_Run away all the people I thought I knew_   
_I remember back then who you were_   
_You used to be calm, used to be strong_   
_Used to be generous but you should've known_   
_That you'd wear out your welcome_   
_And now you see how quiet it is, all alone_

_I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger_   
_Sick of you acting like I owe you this_   
_Find another place to feed your greed_   
_While I find a place to rest_

_I’m so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger_   
_Sick of you acting like I owe you this_   
_Find another place to feed your greed_   
_Wile I find a place to rest_

_I want to be in another place_   
_I hate when you say you don't understand_   
_(You'll see it's not meant to be)_   
_I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy_   
_A place for my head_

     Cas’ eyes have closed and he growls out the next line eight times true to the original version as a tear slips from his eye, changing only one word to reflect the past tense of his thoughts.

_You tried to take the best of me… Go away(x8)_

     Castiel’s voice breaks softly on a sob as he finishes the last screamed line.

_I wanna be in another place_   
_I hate when you say you don't understand_   
_(You'll see it's not meant to be)_   
_I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy_   
_A place for my head_

_Shut! Up! What!_

_I'm so sick of the tension (shut)_   
_Sick of the hunger_   
_Sick of you acting like I owe you this_   
_Find another place to feed your greed (up)_   
_While I find a place to rest_

_I'm so sick of the tension (what)_   
_Sick of the hunger_   
_Sick of you acting like I owe you this_   
_Find another place to feed your greed (stay away from me)_   
_While I find a place to rest_

     Dean moves to stand, as if to go to Cas, but Sam stops him with a hand on his shoulder, seeing Cas turn to the guys as he tells them the next song he wants to sing. At Dean’s questioning glance, Sam leans in close and whispers “Let him go bro, he needs this right now.” Dean can’t figure out how his brother knows his boyfriend better than him after a 15 minute conversation outside but he decides to let it go when hears Cas’ voice speaking again as the next song begins.

     “This one is for the parents that never were.” Cas says into the microphone with a deep sigh before taking a sip of the mixed drink he has on the stool next to him as the sounds of **Numb** by Linkin Park plays.

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be_   
_Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface_   
_Don't know what you're expecting of me_   
_Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

     Kevin again steps in to sing the backup lyrics for Cas.  
  
_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_  
 _Every step that I take is another mistake to you_  
 _(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there_   
_Become so tired, so much more aware_   
_I'm becoming this, all I want to do_   
_Is be more like me and be less like you_

_Can't you see that you're smothering me,_   
_Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?_   
_'Cause everything that you thought I would be,_   
_Has fallen apart right in front of you._   
_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_   
_Every step that I take is another mistake to you._   
_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_   
_And every second I waste is more than I can take._

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,_   
_Become so tired, so much more aware_   
_I'm becoming this, all I want to do_   
_Is be more like me and be less like you._

_And I know_   
_I may end up failing too._   
_But I know_   
_You were just like me with someone disappointed in you._

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,_   
_Become so tired, so much more aware._   
_I'm becoming this, all I want to do_   
_Is be more like me and be less like you._

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there._   
_(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)_   
_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there._   
_(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)_

     Dean sits there as the last of the lyrics and notes filter out. He still feels his brother’s hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him, but still he feels helpless as he watches his angel work through whatever it is he needs to work through. He sees Cas turn back to the guys and he knows another song is coming and he feels the tears stinging behind his eyes because he wants so bad to go him and hold him and let him know that everything will be okay. But he also knows that his brother is right, Cas needs this. So he sits still and listens as emotions pour out from Cas and he lets them was over him as his eyes close while he listens to the next song they play, another Linkin Park song called **Castle Of Glass**.

_Take me down to the river bend_   
_Take me down to the fighting end_   
_Wash the poison from off my skin_   
_Show me how to be whole again_

_Fly me up on a silver wing_   
_Past the black where the sirens sing_   
_Warm me up in a nova's glow_   
_And drop me down to the dream below_

_'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass_   
_Hardly anything there for you to see_   
_For you to see_

_Bring me home in a blinding dream,_   
_Through the secrets that I have seen_   
_Wash the sorrow from off my skin_   
_And show me how to be whole again_

_'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass_   
_Hardly anything there for you to see_   
_For you to see_

_'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass_   
_Hardly anything else I need to be_

_'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass_   
_Hardly anything there for you to see_   
_For you to see_   
_For you to see_

     There is barely a pause from the end of this song to the beginning of the next one as everyone in the bar listens. Dean feels so much pain because he can’t help Cas through this other than sitting here and listening to him continue to sing, the next song being Linkin Park’s **New Divide**.

_I remembered black skies_   
_The lightning all around me_   
_I remembered each flash_   
_As time began to blur_   
_Like a startling sign_   
_That fate had finally found me_   
_And your voice was all I heard_   
_That I get what I deserve_

_So give me reason_   
_To prove me wrong_   
_To wash this memory clean_   
_Let the floods cross_   
_The distance in your eyes_   
_Give me reason_   
_To fill this hole_   
_Connect the space between_   
_Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies_   
_Across this new divide_

_There was nothing in sight_   
_But memories left abandoned_   
_There was nowhere to hide_   
_The ashes fell like snow_   
_And the ground caved in_   
_Between where we were standing_   
_And your voice was all I heard_   
_That I get what I deserve_

_So give me reason_   
_To prove me wrong_   
_To wash this memory clean_   
_Let the floods cross_   
_The distance in your eyes_   
_Across this new divide_

_In every loss in every lie_   
_In every truth that you'd deny_   
_And each regret and each goodbye_   
_Was a mistake too great to hide_   
_And your voice was all I heard_   
_That I get what I deserve_

_So give me reason_   
_To prove me wrong_   
_To wash this memory clean_   
_Let the floods cross_   
_The distance in your eyes_   
_Give me reason_   
_To fill this hole_   
_Connect the space between_   
_Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies_   
_Across this new divide_   
_Across this new divide_   
_Across this new divide_

     The music fades and Cas turns to talk to the boys once again. After a moment and some nods, he turns back to his audience. He removes the mic from the stand and moves the stand to the side of the stage and taking his drink from the stool, he moves it out of the way as well. He steps to the edge of the stage and sits down cross-legged directly in front of Dean. Somehow, Dean knows this is going to be the last song Cas sings tonight. Something in his eyes tells Dean this will be the end of his catharsis. The sound of yet another Linkin Park song fills the bar and Cas meets Dean’s eyes, the words to **What I’ve Done** pouring out of him.

_In this farewell_   
_There’s no blood_   
_There’s no alibi_   
_‘Cause I’ve drawn regret_   
_From the truth_   
_Of a thousand lies_

_So let mercy come_   
_And wash away_   
_What I’ve done_

_I’ll face myself_   
_To cross out what I’ve become_   
_Erase myself_   
_And let go of what I’ve done_

     As Cas continues singing, Dean sees his eyes never leave him while he moves from his seat to sit on the edge of the stage next to him, one leg tucked up under him as the other hangs down. As Cas turns to face him, his hands move to rest on the knees of the man whose voice fills the bar with this soul-baring, gut-wrenching song.

_Put to rest_   
_What you thought of me_   
_While I clean the slate_   
_With the hands of uncertainty_

_So let mercy come_   
_And wash away_   
_What I’ve done_

_I’ll face myself_   
_To cross out what I’ve become_   
_Erase myself_   
_And let go of what I’ve done_

_For what I’ve done_

_I start again_  
_And whatever pain may come_

     Dean’s hand leaves a knee to come up and cradle Cas’ right cheek, and as he sings, Cas closes his eyes and nuzzles further into the caress as a single tear slips over his cheek into Dean's palm.

_Today this ends_   
_I’m forgiving what I’ve done_

_I’ll face myself_   
_To cross out what I’ve become_   
_Erase myself_   
_And let go of what I’ve done_

_What I’ve done_

_Forgiving what I’ve done_

     The people in the bar are boisterous in their approval of the concert they just witnessed, most of them none the wiser for what exactly it meant for the man who provided it. Cas sits there, searching Dean’s eyes, praying he doesn’t think any less of him for what he has been through.

     Dean’s other hand comes up to cradle his other cheek, his thumbs stroking along the cheekbones, and when he sees Cas’ eyes flutter closed once again, he can’t help himself – he has to kiss this beautiful man. So he does. And the cheers and caterwauling are almost deafening.

     Then, two very different, distinct voices are simultaneously heard above everything else in the not small bar and the sudden silence is just as deafening.

     “OH MY GOD!”

     “CASSIE?!?!?!”

    Cas jerks back from Dean with a gasp and his head whips toward the door where he sees his sister Anna and his brother Gabriel. Dean’s eyes follow his gaze and then turn back to the face of the man he was just kissing and watches all of the color drain from his face.

     “Cas?” Dean asks and the only response Cas can give him is to lean forward, burying his head in his hands while he whispers a muffled “Oh fuck!” on a groan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, possible trigger warning... anxiety attack... sorta? I am not diagnosed, and if i do have it it is probably a very mild form... so please, please, if my descriptions are off let me know... I understand this is a disease that manifests itself in as many ways as there are diagnoses... I have friends that suffer, and i have my 'issues', as i call them... but again... I don't want anyone reading to think i am trying to be patronizing... i am only drawing on my experience with the disease myself, either through what i believe may be my own anxiety, and through trying to help my friends through their attacks, seeing what helps them, how they react during attacks, things of that sort. Again, please don't take any offense. 
> 
> Next. Well, most of the issues i was dealing with while trying to write this chapter was the death of a long-time 'idol' of mine. I have been a fan of Linkin Park for as long as i remember. I count myself among the extremely lucky for I had the opportunity to actually see them play live once at Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. The death of Chester Bennington hit me almost as hard as the death of Robin Williams. I can't begin to explain how much their music has helped me through depressions, how much their words soothed my tears, or caused them to flow more freely in a cathartic release. I was devastated when i heard Chester had passed, and I can't tell you how many silent tears i cried over both him and Robin (I'm not sure why, but thinking about one causes me to think of the other now... i am sorry if memories better left are dredged up, but i can not help it). One more amazing soul gone, one more light in this world snuffed out way before its time. I hope everyone can forgive me my indulgence in this chapter as every song is a Linkin Park song. While writing it, i know i shed many tears, for the cathartic release for Cas as well as for the loss of such a soul in this world. 
> 
> That is why i am Dedicating this chapter To The Memory of Chester Bennington. May he finally, hopefully, Rest In Peace. 
> 
> I wait with baited breath for the day i can meet him in heaven and have that conversation i would have loved to have had in life.


	3. In Which The Truth Finally Comes Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has a long overdue conversation with his brother and sister Gabe and Anna. He also finds out a little detail about his best friend... well, a couple of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... after all that emotion in the last chapter you would think i would be able to give you fluff and stuff with this one, right??? Sorry... but WRONG!!! Apparently they are not capable of doing anything but ripping my heart out as I write... So much confusion and miscommunication!!! Thankfully this chapter airs it all out and clears the air... of most everything that needs to be said... for now... 
> 
> Also... no songs in this one... after all the singing done in the last chapter and the one before that, Cas is tuckered out with singing and Dean didn't want to be away from Cas for too long, should he need him. 
> 
> Anyway, on with the show. I really hope you guys like this!! 
> 
> Comments and kudos!!! Lifeblood!!! Seriously!!! Let me know what you think!!!

     Castiel buries his head deeper into his hands as he hears the footsteps of his brother and sister move closer, as well as their nonstop voices.

     “Here you are! What are you doing Castiel? Why haven’t you called us, at least once??? Were you ever gonna come home??” from Anna.

     “What is going on here, Cassie? When did you start singing in public? And who is this _stud_??” out of Gabe.

     Dean looks helplessly between the two heading toward them and Cas, whose head is no longer in his hands but now looks like he might be sick, and back to the two that have just stopped in front of them. As they look expectantly at Cas, he slowly unfolds his legs over the edge of the stage and moves to stand in front of the pair. When the female pulls Cas into a big ol’ bear hug, Dean takes this moment to study the newcomers.

     The one with her arms around his boyfriend is more than half a foot shorter than Cas and right now, she has her head full of long, deep red hair buried in his neck with her arms wrapped around his waist as if she never wants to let go. He takes in her black, slight heels as she kicks up one of her feet, tightening her hug even more, and her dark blue jeans cup her tush even tighter. While he can’t help but think that it is a very nice tush, Cas’ is better to hold onto. A white lacey-like blouse peeks out from under the edge of her green jacket. She steps back, her hands move up to Castiel’s shoulders, looking at him as though she hasn’t seen him in a century and Dean can’t help but feel a sharp pang of jealousy go through him at their familiarity.

     The other, slightly taller one of the pair, though still shorter than Cas by a good 4-6 inches is setting Dean on edge for some reason. He takes in his long-ish, dark sandy blond hair (though Dean notices it’s not quite as long as Sam’s hair), the olive green, almost dark green jacket, the man is wearing over a sweater, because Kansas is cold man! Duh! Dean’s eyes move down and notice this man’s jeans cup his derriere just as well as the woman’s. He can’t help but arch his eyebrows and purse his lips at the thought of how well his hands would fit around either of them, but still Cas’ fits perfect and it’s the only ass he wants to grab onto. That’s when his eyes trail down and he notices the boots. _“Cowboy boots?”_ Dean groans internally as he thinks of one of his few kinks he has yet to play out with anyone. He can’t help that his mind wanders to what Cas would look like in boots, a Stetson, and maybe a six-shooter on his hip while that voice… that voice… that voice is bringing him from his daydreams as he realize Cas is talking to him.

     “Dean… Dean? DEAN?!?! Are you okay?” Cas snaps his fingers in front of Dean’s face trying to bring him back to Earth.

     “Yeah, sorry. Um… I got lost in thought.” Dean stands beside Cas, putting one hand on his arm. “Are you okay?” He looks at the man thoughtfully as he bounces from one foot to the next, standing between him and the two newest arrivals.

     “Dean… um, this is my older brother and sister. Gabriel and Anna Novak. Gabe, Anna … this is Dean Winchester. He’s ah… he’s my boyfriend."

     The woman, Anna, squees… yes… she actually squees as she launches herself at Dean, wrapping her arms around him tighter than an octopus. Dean’s mouth opens as he looks at Cas, who is groaning and looking heavenward, while Gabriel stands there looking appalled and extremely distrusting. While Castiel tries to untangle his sister from Dean, Gabe steps closer, sizing him up and Dean knows he is trying to decide if he is good enough for his baby? brother. Dean holds his hand out to Gabriel in imitation of the formality Cas displayed earlier and the man takes it in a firm grip, pumps it once, twice, and then pulls him close to wrap his other arm around him in a hug. While he is patting Dean on the back, Gabriel whispers in Dean’s ear that they will talk later, before pulling back and winking at the man.

     Dean can’t help but wonder what this is all about and watches as Cas leads his siblings to introduce them to their group sitting at the bar. When Cas gets to Balthazar, Dean notices a glint of something, fear perhaps, flash across his eyes and is quickly gone as he says hi to the newcomers. Then when Gabe pulls Balthazar in for a hug Cas looks stunned.

     “Wait… do you two know each other?” Cas asks pointing from his best friend to his brother and back.

     Balthazar sighs and answers for the pair, knowing that his charade is over. “We went to school together. I was in the same grade as Anna, but I played golf with the Trickster here for a year.” Zar uses a nickname for his brother that Cas hadn’t heard in years and it brings a soft smile to his face. “Then when I graduated, I took a year off and dropped off the radar. By the time I came back, this was the only school that still wanted me, so I signed up.” Balthazar’s eyes turn slightly pleading as he looks in Castiel’s eyes while continuing his part of this tale.

     “After your graduation, when you decided you wanted as far away from Chicago as you could get, your brother found me and asked if I could help get you in here. He knew you would be able to lose yourself in your classes, but he wanted someone to be here to be able to watch out for you. It wasn’t to spy on you! I SWEAR!!” Balthazar clarifies quickly. “More to make sure someone who knew something of what had happened was watching out for you, ya know, in case of any kind of emergency.”

     “That’s why you knew… Did he tell you about the anxiety attacks?” Cas nods slowly before asking, everything beginning to click into place in his head.

     “Yeah, he warned me. But I already knew how to handle them. My cousin caused enough havoc for me growing up that I am pretty sure I have suffered one or two in my life before.”

     “Your cousin?”

     “Lucifer.” comes the answer, barely audible in the bar and Jo, Dean and Cas all gasp.

     “He’s nothing like his cousin!! Otherwise I wouldn’t have let you come here. You gotta know that Cas!” Gabe turns to his brother quickly, beseeching for his  understanding. “When you said you wanted to disappear… I just…I didn't want you to go. I wanted to give you what you wanted, but I wanted you to have an out, or should I say a back in, if you ever changed your mind. I hoped you would change your mind. We tried to let you be, honestly we did.” He looks at their sister who is nodding her head at this as she grabs Castiel’s hands and holds them while he is taking in this quaint little twist of events. “But after two years, I needed my baby brother back. I thought maybe you would call or something, write, email, hell a quick messenger post letting me know you were thinking about us and I would have been alright. But nothing?? For two years Cas!! TWO YEARS!!!” Gabe’s eyes look haunted and shimmery from the unshed tears and his voice cracks at his own words. Anna moves to wrap one of her arms around her other brother.

     “If it wasn’t for Balthazar, we wouldn’t even know if you were alive or dead.” She continues for Gabe, who seems to be at a loss for words, both of them with their eyes trained on Cas as though the rest of the group has disappeared. Most of which had moved back to their pool tables in the corner behind the bar anyway.

     “Look… we aren’t here to intrude. We don’t want to make you uncomfortable. We just want you to know that we love you. We are here for you… NO MATTER WHAT… and we just want to be a part of your life - whatever part you will let us be.”

     “But Dad-“

     “Fuck Dad! He doesn’t speak for me! He never has! Why? What did he tell you in that hospital room?” Gabe lashes out at the mention of their sperm donor, as he liked to call the man.

     Cas looks up at his brother with unshed tears in his own eyes.

     “He said that I was a disgrace and that I should have grown out of this ‘phase’ as he called it, by now. He said that he and mom both were ashamed of me and that none of you guys wanted to see me again as long as I was living my life like this.” Cas’ voice breaks into a soft sob as Anna pulls him in for another hug, holding him tightly and making shushing noises while stroking his hair softly, Gabriel's hand soothing along his back. When he can speak again, he lifts his head and continues. “He said it was a good idea for me to get as far away as possible, from all of you, and never look back. He said that paying for whatever school I wanted to go to would be the last thing he would do for me unless I decided to start living my life right.”

     Dean sees Gabriel start to pace and hears a growl come from the man who looks like he wants to hit something. He watches as Anna puts her hand on his arm again. She steadies him so that he can keep the tenuous hold that he has on his apparent temper.

     “Then WHY did YOU tell us you had to go? Why didn’t you tell us that Dad was making you leave? We would have came with you, or something?! You had to know we would have come with you!?” A tear slips over Gabriel’s cheek as he tries to understand his younger brother, the last question coming out on a whispered sob.

     “I thought maybe… Oh I don’t know. I think I thought that Dad was right. That you guys were just being nice because I was blood. I thought if I was gone you guys could get on with your lives like I was never there, never stained the family name. You wouldn’t have to worry about taking care of the ‘black sheep’ or covering up my messes anymore.”

     Dean then steps closer to Cas, feeling the need to wrap his arms around the man he cares so much for and help ground him, lest he have yet another attack this evening. He slides them around Cas’ waist and perches his chin on Cas’ shoulder, letting the man lean back into his embrace and draw all the strength he needs. He feels Cas hands glide over his arms and Cas takes a deep breath before continuing.

     “Anyway, I really need thank you though Gabriel. Not only does KU have an amazing Crypto Zoology program, but, well… I met Dean here. And if it wasn’t for Zar pushing for me to give him a chance, I would have never opened up to him. He knows everything. And he’s still here.”

     “I’m not going anywhere baby!” Dean responds before placing a little kiss on Cas’ cheek, very aware of the two pairs of eyes narrowed and trained on him. He knows he is going to have to prove to them he wants to take care of their brother, but he also knows he is more than up for the challenge.

     Cas turns to Zar with a thank you on his lips but Zar waves it away.

     “Darlin’ Cassie, it is thanks enough to see you happier than I have yet to see you. Moreover, I hope you can forgive me the breach of trust in floating little messages in bottles back to your brother and sister. However, as you can see they were terribly worried for you. And I swear I never broke any major confidences. Any and All of those still stay locked away in here. I Promise!” Zar crosses his fingers over his heart and does the Boy Scout salute before holding his arms open for a hug from his favorite sophomore. Cas leaves Dean's embrace just long enough to give his best friend a hug, letting him know that all is forgiven before moving back to Dean.

     He looks at his siblings and something occurs to him. “Where, and how long, are you guys staying?”

     “Well, Mom and Dad went to Europe again for Christmas and they won’t be back till after the New Year. We couldn’t stand it in that stuffy old house with Michael for that long so we told him we were going on a road trip… as we walked out the door with our bags.” Anna pauses in the story to chuckle to herself. “Oh you should have seen the look on his face. He thought just because he is the oldest, with Dad gone we would automatically listen to him. He stammered and stuttered and finally he started yelling for us to ‘Get Back Here’” She does an excellent impersonation of their oldest brother and the trio is all laughing now, with the others giggling at their inside joke. “Anyhoo, we got directions from Zar over there and we have been driving for the better part of the last 36 hours.”

     “We are here as long as you want us to stay. And as far as room and board, well, I guess we thought we would figure it out as we went.” Gabe cuts in.

     “Nonsense! I am sure Meg won’t mind, though we will have to ask her of course. But she has a couple of empty rooms in her off campus house because her two roommates took off for the holidays, one of which was talking as if she might not come back. I am sure she wouldn’t mind you two staying there for a couple weeks, so long as you help her decorate… for Christmas.” A shiver runs through Balthazar as he looks around the corner of the bar to see Meg lining up a shot in her game against Jo. She sees his stare and Cas notices the smile and wink she throws at his friend and he can’t help but ask.

     “Okay, what gives? Are you and Meg an item??”

     “Whiplash much?!?! Geez! At least warn a guy if you are going to pull a 180 on the topic like that! Please!! And yes, we are. Sorta. It’s complicated. Can we just leave it at that? Please?”

     “After everything you have done for me? Of course I can let this one go… for now!!!” Cas pulls his best friend in for another hug before he straightens up and wipes the almost dried streaks of tears from his cheeks. “Okay. Now that all the back-story is resolved and everyone is caught up and on the same page. Can we get back to enjoying the evening??” Everyone nods enthusiastically as their little group breaks up to head toward the other half of their friends.

     Cas watches as Gabe and Balthazar begin talking animatedly as they head toward the corner tables. Anna receives huge hugs from Jo and Charlie who begin chatting her up as though they have known her all their lives. Cas feels Dean's arms wrap around him from behind again and he can’t help but sigh deeply as their families, the ones that count, blood or not, mix and mingle and a sense of rightness falls over him. He suddenly realizes he can’t wait for Christmas.


	4. In Which A Challenge Ensues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, Cas has Christmas presents for everyone... except Dean... everyone is feeling good... and Gabriel blows his horn!! XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all... I am SOOOOO Sorry this chapter took so long. Real Life REALLY SUX sometimes... Plus, GISHWHES... nuff said... Anyway... No smut... yet... but soon... next chapter, if you can bear with me just a little longer. I hate cliffhangers, but i can't seem to stay away from them. And the songs... im sorry... i LOVE songs!!! If you guys have a song you want to possibly see someone sing in this, drop me a comment and tell me!!! I will see if i can make it work!! 
> 
> Seriously though guys, Comments, Kudos... Let me know what you think!!! Give me some ideas of where you might like to see this go!! I have a few ideas, certain main things that will be coming soon, in this Part as well as the next (yeah, there is at least one more part after the christmas part) But let me know if you like where they are taking me on this journey or if you have a pitstop or two you want to see maybe happen!!! I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

     A week has passed in almost perfect bliss. They have one more week until Christmas and Cas has presents for everyone! Well, almost everyone. The perfect gift for one Mr. Dean Winchester is still eluding him. See, Charlie and Jo took him and Anna, who had one of _Daddy’s_ credit cards, on a shopping trip to the mall earlier that week and he had a blast! They spent the day wandering from store to store and when they got hungry, they visited the food court. For hours they roamed through the aisles, laughing as Jo regaled them of tales of her younger days growing up with Dean, Sam, and Ash, and of course, Anna had to throw in a few tales of her own childhood with Michael, Gabe and Cas.  

     As they wandered, Cas found a dagger necklace and matching dangling dagger earrings for Jo, which he was able to buy on the sly, so she didn’t see, and _the_ perfect sword and scabbard for Charlie’s L.A.R.P. character, the Queen of the Moons. He had Anna distract her for him when he purchased it from her favorite weapons store there. He had Charlie do the same when he found his gift for Anna, an angel incense set from the ‘new age’ shop. As they perused the shelves of Hot Topic, he found a shirt for Ash and a wallet for Benny, each with skull and crossbones on them, which Jo assured him they would love. He got a copy of the Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare for Sam as Dean said he liked strategy war games and the new Deadpool game for Kevin. For Balthazar he found a decently priced bottle of ’75 Dom Pérignon and a box of the finest Swiss Chocolate he could find to feed Gabe’s sweet tooth.

     Meg and Ellen were a bit trickier in finding that gift that _screamed_ their names, but then he had an epiphany… for Ellen’s anyway… while wandering past one of the kiosks. He noticed a photography studio’s stand and while admiring the portraits - BAM! He figured if he could get someone to take a picture of their ‘family’ he could get it put in a nice frame and give it to her to hang in the bar! After talking with Jo and Charlie, who agreed, he made a mental note to talk to everyone about when to take it. He was starting to worry that inspiration wouldn’t strike for Meg’s present, but as they were leaving, he saw a sign. No, literally, he saw a sign! It was in the window of a movie store. The face of Henry Travers on a poster drew his attention and then he read the quote, “Every time you hear a bell ring, it means that some angel’s just got his wings”. He knew what he was getting for Meg. He asked the girls to wait as he went in and a few minutes later, he came back out with a 50 th anniversary edition copy of “It’s A Wonderful Life”, one of Meg’s favorite movies if her favorite nickname for Castiel, _Clarence_ , is any indication.

     Now it’s Friday night and he is sitting in the Roadhouse, everyone’s presents wrapped up and hidden in his dorm closet. Well, everyone’s except Dean’s and Ellen’s. He still hasn’t figured out what to get Dean and they just got done taking the picture on the stage at the bar. He watches as the patrons file in while he sips on his second drink of the night. Balthazar, Gabriel, Dean and Sam are in a deep conversation as they play a round on one table, Charlie, Jo, Anna and Meg on another. While waiting on his turn for his game with Benny against Kevin and Ash, he tries to rack his brain for something to get his boyfriend. His turn comes and goes, he and Benny win the game, they all trade up partners and more games are played and won and by the time it hits 9 o’clock, most of their group is pretty close to being three sheets to the wind.

     Then Jo suddenly decides she needs some **_good_** music and practically begs Castiel or Dean to go play something but Gabe staves her off. He leans in close to whisper something to Balthazar and their eyes light up with mischief. Gabriel runs outside to their rental and comes back in carrying a case. He and Balthazar quickly talk to the rest of the guys and after a hushed conversation, everyone grabs their drinks and head over to the area in front of the stage, the rest of the group following with confused looks on their faces. When the guys take their places after Gabe pulls his saxophone out of its case, Gabe and Zar stand in front with mics, all of the girls in the bar begin to hoot and holler as the beginning of George Thorogood’s _Bad to the Bone_ fills the bar. Gabe takes the lead and his voice carries through the air.

_On the day I was born_  
The nurses all gathered 'round  
And they gazed in wide wonder  
At the joy they had found  
The head nurse spoke up  
Said "leave this one alone"  
She could tell right away  
That I was bad to the bone

     The smirk on Gabriel’s face as he surveys the crowd is legendary back home in Chicago and Anna and Castiel share a chuckle at the similar reaction from the patrons in the bar. __  
  
Bad to the bone  
Bad to the bone  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
Bad to the bone  


     Balthazar sings the chorus with Gabe before stepping up to sing the next verse, staring at Meg as he does, almost as though issuing a challenge. _  
  
I broke a thousand hearts  
Before I met you  
I'll break a thousand more, baby  
Before I am through  
I wanna be yours pretty baby  
Yours and yours alone  
I'm here to tell ya honey  
That I'm bad to the bone  
  
Bad to the bone  
B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-Bad  
Bad to the bone  
_  
     Alternating the next lines, you can tell that Bal and Gabe are having the time of their lives on that stage. Cas and Anna know the best is yet to come.  
_  
I make a rich woman beg.  
I'll make a good woman steal.  
I'll make an old woman blush.  
And make a young girl squeal.  
I wanna be yours pretty baby  
Yours and yours alone.  
I'm here to tell ya honey  
That I'm bad to the bone.  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
Bad to the bone  
  
_      The shock and awe on everyone’s faces as Gabe plays the sax solo makes Cas and Anna giggle so hard. They love seeing the reaction people have when Gabe blows his horn. __  
  
And when I walk the streets  
Kings and Queens step aside  
Every woman I meet  
They all stay satisfied  
I wanna tell ya pretty baby  
What I see I make my own  
I'm here to tell ya honey  
That I'm bad to the bone  
Bad to the bone  
B-B-B-B-Bad  
B-B-B-Bad   
B-B-B-Bad  
Bad to the bone

     While the crowd in the bar cheers and applauds the boys, Meg gathers Jo, Charlie, and Anna. Cas pats Dean’s leg to get his attention and directs it to the girls. With a knowing smile, he whispers, “If Anna gets up there, it’s over!”

     Gabe and Balthazar step off the stage preening like they just won a Battle of the Bands contest. The girls, having decided to fight fire with fire, brush past them and hop up where the boys just vacated. Jo goes over and gets the guitar from Ash while Anna takes over on the keyboard from Kevin, both of whom happily jump down to watch what the girls have planned. After taking a moment talking to Benny, he relinquishes his drumsticks to Meg, much to Cas’ surprise. She does a little bit of a warm up, and then with a nod to the rest of the girls, she starts to drum out the beat to The Black Crowes’ _Hard to Handle_. Some of the words get changed, of course, but when Charlie steps up to the mic, the atmosphere in the Roadhouse amps up a few notches.

_Baby, here I am_  
A wo-man on the scene  
I can give you what you want  
But you gotta come home with me  
I have got some good old lovin'  
And I got some more in store  
When I get to throwin' it on you  
You gotta come back for more

_Boys are things that come by the dozen_  
That ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'  
Hey little thing let me light your candle  
'Cause mama I'm sure hard to handle now  
Yes, I am

_Action speaks louder than words_  
And I'm a woman of great experience  
I know you've got yourself man  
But I can love you better than him

_Take my hand don't be afraid_  
I'm gonna prove every word I say  
I'm advertising love for free  
So you can place your ad with me

_Boys – they come along a dime by the dozen_  
That ain't nothing but ten cent lovin'  
Hey little thing let me light your candle  
'Cause mama I'm sure hard to handle now  
Yes, I am

_Yeah_  
Hard to handle now  
Oh baby

_Baby, here I am_  
A wo-man on your scene  
I can give you what you want  
But you gotta come home with me  
I have got some good old lovin'  
And I got some more in store  
When I get to throwin' it on you  
You gotta come back for more

_Boys – they run along a dime by the dozen_  
That ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'  
Hey little thing let me light your candle  
'Cause mama I'm sure hard to handle now  
Yes, I am

_Hard_  
Hard to handle now  
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

     The crowd in the bar erupts when Jo plays the guitar solo. Even Zar and Gabe look impressed as the clapping continues through the rest of the song.   
__  
Boys – they go along a dime by the dozen  
That ain't nothing but ten cent lovin'  
Hey little thing let me light your candle  
'Cause mama I'm sure hard to handle now  
Yes, I am

_Yeah_  
You're hard to handle now  
Oh, yeah

     The music fades and the cheering gets louder. As the rest of the girls take quick bows, jump down from the stage, Jo steps up to the mic, and issues the challenge.

     “Anyone think they can do any better?”

     Dean pats Cas’ knee as he stands up to answer. A series of ‘Oooohhhh’s’ and ‘Aaaahhhh’s’ runs through some of the patrons and Cas can’t help the smile that threatens to break his face. He knows what Dean can do with that voice. While they still haven’t gone _ALL the way_ yet, they have progressed much farther than the night he woke Dean up with REO Speedwagon and thoughts of the multitudes of songs he could sing to showcase that baritone are sending shivers up and down Cas’ spine. He watches as Dean talks to Gabe for a minute, then he gathers Benny, Ash, and Kevin and they all get back up on stage. They huddle for a moment before Dean turns to the mic, no guitar in hand.

     “Let’s slow it down, just a little. And while we’re at it, let’s keep it waaaay back. See how many of you guys remember this song!” Ash starts strumming his instrument and most of the patrons look like they are trying to catch the edge of a forgotten memory. Cas’ eyes just go wide as he realizes which song is playing and emerald green eyes stare straight into his baby blues as the words to _How Do You Talk (To An Angel)_ pour out. He isn’t even surprised to find out that Gabe is familiar enough with The Heights’ song to help Dean out on this one. Then everyone and everything else fades as Dean's voice washes over him.

_I hear his voice in my mind_  
I know his face by heart  
Heaven and earth are moving in my soul  
I don't know where to start  
Tell me, tell me the words to define  
The way I feel about someone so fine

_How do you talk to an angel_  
How do you hold him close to where you are  
How do you talk to an angel  
It's like trying to catch a falling star

_At night, I dream that he is there_  
And I can feel him in the air  
Tell me, tell me the words to define  
The way I feel about someone so fine

_How do you talk to an angel_  
How do you hold him close to where you are  
How do you talk to an angel  
It's like trying to catch a falling star

_How do you talk to an angel_  
How do you hold him close to where you are  
How do you talk to an angel  
It's like trying to catch a falling star

_How do you talk to an angel_  
How do you hold him close to where you are  
How do you talk to an angel  
It's like trying to catch a falling star  
Yeah, yeah

     The music filters out, the spell is broken, and Cas takes a few steadying breaths. Anna and Charlie come over, telling him he has to answer back! and they can play for him if he wants. He asks the girls to give him a second before he stands and goes to the bar. Ruby pours him his requested shot of Bacardi 151 from the last bottle they have of the discontinued liquor, which he knocks back before asking for one more. This is the first time he has knowingly sung in front of his brother and sister in forever and with the song he is about to sing, he wants to make it easier to forget anyone but Dean is there.

     After his second shot, he gets a refill on his regular drink before he moves back to their group where everyone is waiting. He can feel Dean’s eyes on him, watching his every move. He talks to the girls and after some head nods and some ‘Hell Yeah’s’, he gets up on stage with Jo, Anna, and Meg. They take up their positions behind their instruments and Charlie yells from the audience “Kick it in the ass!” much to the laughter and amusement of their group and the patrons.

     Cas stands behind the mic as Jo starts the music, with Meg and Anna jumping in quickly. Cas finds and focuses on the emerald green eyes that he loves to get lost in and he can’t wait to sing _Can’t Fight The Moonlight_ by LeAnn Rimes from one of his favorite chick-flick movies, **Coyote Ugly**. Then the music stops, just like in the movie, waiting on Cas to begin and his world narrows to only Dean when he sees the recognition in the pools of green and the words can’t be stopped.

_Under a lovers' sky  
Gonna be with you  
And no one's gonna be around_   
(the girls join in here on their instruments just as in the movie) __  
If you think that you won't fall  
Well just wait until  
Till the sun goes down

_Underneath the starlight, starlight_  
There's a magical feeling, so right  
It'll steal your heart tonight

_You can try to resist_  
Try to hide from my kiss  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
No, you can't fight it  
It's gonna get to your heart

_There's no escape from love_  
Once a gentle breeze  
Weaves it's spell upon your heart  
No matter what you think  
It won't be too long  
Till you’re in my arms

_Underneath the starlight, starlight_  
We'll be lost in the rhythm, so right  
Feel it steal your heart tonight

_You can try to resist_  
Try to hide from my kiss  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
No you can't fight it  
No matter what you do  
The night is gonna get to you

_Don't try then  
You're never gonna win_

_Underneath the starlight, starlight_  
There's a magical feeling, so right  
It will steal your heart tonight

_You can try to resist_  
Try to hide from my kiss  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
No, you can't fight it

_You can try to resist_  
Try to hide from my kiss  
But you know  
Don't you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
But you know that you can't fight the moonlight  
No, you can't fight it  
It's gonna get to your heart

     The crowd loves it! And if the darkening of Dean’s eyes is any indication, so did he. After a “Thank you!” into the mic, he asks the crowd who is next. Cas is surprised when Anna steps up and whispers to him and the girls. A smile breaks out on his face as he takes over the keyboard for her and she begins to sing the newest version of **You Don’t Own Me** by an artist named Grace. Cas remembers hearing this version on the soundtrack of **Suicide Squad** when that movie came out and thinking his sister would love it. Apparently, he was right. As he plays, and sings the rap counterpart for her, he watches the crowd. On the few instances his eyes actually leave Dean, he notices a pair that doesn’t leave his sister. He can’t help the smile that lights his lips at the looks crossing Benny’s face as Anna sings. He is sure that same look has crossed his face while watching Dean and he can’t help but think she could do a whole lot worse than their friend from Louisiana.

     As Anna finishes up, she takes the keyboard back when Jo moves to the mic. Cas steps down, and the band on stage changes as the songs change. Everyone takes turns playing, singing, and even dancing once the group and the rest of the patrons rearrange the tables and chairs so there is room. Cas is dancing with Dean as the music changes yet again, this time to something light and older. A smile plays across his lips as Dean pulls him close, a knowing glint in his darkening eyes. Jo is again in front of the mic and her eyes never leave Charlie’s face as she begins to sing, just for her, **Wonderful Tonight** by Elton John.

     As she sings, Dean pulls Cas closer into his arms, lazily holding Cas’ right hand in his left over his heart while they move among the other dancers. His voice whispers deep in Cas’ ear when he sings with Jo, changing a few words for his own personal serenade to Cas. Castiel just sighs and lays his head on Dean’s shoulder. His eyes close and he lets Dean’s whispered voice sends shivers throughout his body.

_It's late in the evening; he's wondering what clothes to wear_  
He’ll put on his tie now and brushes his short brown hair  
And then he’ll ask me, "Do I look all right?"  
And I’ll say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight"

     Castiel lets his lips graze along Dean’s neck and jaw as they dance ever closer. His arm snakes around Dean’s shoulder to play with the hair at the nape of his neck, eliciting a soft moan as Dean struggles to maintain his composure while continuing the song along with Jo.

_We’ll go to a party and everyone turns to see_  
This beautiful angel that's walking around with me  
And then he’ll ask me, "Do you feel all right?"  
And I’ll say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight"

     As they dance, Castiel’s hand slips from Dean’s to press against his heart before sliding up and over his shoulder, joining his other in Dean’s hair as they move and sway to the music along the floor. He hums along to the music as Dean continues to sing. He leaves feather-light kisses along Dean’s throat and smiles as he feels the pulse racing under his lips.  

_And I feel wonderful because I see_  
The love light in your eyes  
And the wonder of it all  
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you 

     Dean’s hands move to cradle Castiel’s hips as they continue to sway, pulling him closer. Their hips brushing against each other as they move even closer, pulling another soft moan from Dean’s lips before he continues singing the last verse with Jo. __  
  
It's time to go home now I've got an aching head  
So I’ll give him the car keys and he’ll help me to bed  
And then I’ll tell him, as I turn out the light  
I’ll say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight  
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight"

     As the last of the lyrics filter into a soft silence surrounding the two, Dean turns his head and takes Castiel’s lips with his own and the rest of the Roadhouse is forgotten. Somebody begins singing another slow song but they barely notice as their tongues meet in their own dance. Castiel’s hand winds up to find purchase in Dean’s hair as he deepens the kiss. They suddenly pull apart as they dance against a solid surface and their eyes open to see they are back against one of the pool tables. Their breathing ragged, they look around the bar to see everyone else is engrossed in the singing still going on up on stage. A twinkle fills Dean’s eyes as he looks down at Cas. Seeing the same twinkle there, he takes one of Castiel’s hands in his and pulls him out the back door unseen by anyone else in the bar.


	5. In Which Cas Figures Something Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Cas to Ellen's house. Cas gets a peek at Dean's past while he sleeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...
> 
> First... i am SOOOOOOO so so so so so terribly sorry that this chapter took so damn long!!! *le sigh* Real life sux! and also... i can't write smut. Well... okay, some think i can... but i just feel so weird writing it i guess that i think about it too hard... but anyway, it took me forever to get that part done. Once i finally had that scene written, the rest just came out, when i had the time to sit at the computer that is. 
> 
> So THANK YOU ALL for being so patient with me!!!! 
> 
> Secondly... I HAVE A BETA!!! Southern_Fried_Penguin!!! She has helped me little bits here and there but this chapter she completely had a hand in... i was double checking almost every other couple paragraphs!!! lol Thank you so much for being patient with me through this chapter!!! I appreciate it more than you know!!!
> 
> Thirdly, I have a picture for the series!!!! Many Many Many Thanks to Ember Rain for the amazing art she created for me!!! It is for the first part in the series, My Favorite T, and when i can figure out how exactly to attach it to the first part... it will be there for all to see... 
> 
> Okay, thank you again, for keeping with this, with me!!! Hopefully the next chapter will go a little smoother and i will be able to get it out a little quicker. On with the story.

     Making sure the door closes softly behind them so no one misses them in their absence, Dean swings Cas around and pulls him in for another kiss. Castiel’s hands burrow through Dean’s hair again as their lips meet, a deep rumble vibrating Cas’ chest as his mouth opens to Dean’s rapacious tongue. Dean’s hands move down Castiel’s body leisurely, a direct opposite to the plundering of his mouth. When his hands reach Cas’ hips though, it is a completely different story. They pull at his jeans, grinding into Castiel, extracting yet another groan to swallow as he moves Castiel back across the gravel.

     Castiel’s hands pull at Dean’s hair, grips the front of his t-shirt (yes, his favorite one which has become Castiel’s favorite as well, considering) pulling Dean ever closer even as Dean does the same. The crunch of the gravel beneath their feet does nothing to stifle the noises incited in each from the other and they soon find themselves backed against the doors of Baby. Dean takes advantage of the fortuitousness of having Cas pressed between a figurative rock and a definite hard place and grinds into him.

     As he opens his mouth to moan, Dean takes his bottom lip between his teeth and worries it tenderly in time to his hips against Cas’. When he finally releases Cas’ lip, it is only to start trailing kisses down his jaw, across his cheek, nipping at his earlobe and smiling at the hitch in Cas’ breath. He finds the pulse point beneath his ear and suckles, barely grazing the skin with his teeth and chuckling as he feels Castiel’s hips push up into him as his fingers burrow and pull at Dean’s hair.

     Now that Dean has Cas well and truly ‘trapped’ his own hands are free to roam and roam they do. Up and across Cas’ torso, ghosting over his nipples, he can feel them harden as his palms rub them in circles through the material of his t-shirt. They move farther down and twist in the hem of the shirt. Cas’ hands fall down to Dean’s sides, pulling at his shirt as his lips move down Cas’ neck. Cas yanks his shirt from his jeans as Dean's hands shoot up under it, nails grazing over his skin as Dean reaches his collarbone and suckles.  A hand shoots back to Dean’s hair to hold him there as Cas’ hips thrust into Dean, another moan wrenched from his parted lips.            

     Dean braces his hands on either side of Cas, holding on to Baby for dear life, trying to ground himself. Panting hard, his forehead resting against the side of Cas’ cheek, he hears the heartbeat of the man under him and he presses a soft kiss to the sprouting bruise he put there. He can’t help that he likes when Cas wears his mark. Not that he thinks Cas would cheat… never!… he just likes making sure others know he has somebody… and if they happen to know its Dean, well, all the better the odds of someone thinking twice about hitting on his boyfriend.              

     Cas brings the nails of the hand still under his shirt down, causing him to buck. Grinding against Cas, he tries to keep the tenuous hold…

_But why?...  feels so good… don’t stop Cas…_

     He pants against Cas’ neck, and before his thoughts can continue, he is stiffening in Cas’ arms as a soft breeze reminds him it’s winter, and they left their jackets on the hooks in the bar. Pressing a hard kiss to Cas’ lips, he reaches down and opens Baby’s driver door, the other one nudging him to get in and scoot over…

_Watch the shoes …_

     He ducks inside right behind him, too quick for Cas to swing his legs down and in seconds, he has crawled right up him to take his lips in another kiss. Cas’ hands move to Dean’s shoulders as he grinds him into the seat, pressing him against the door. He captures the moan from Cas’ lips as a shiver crawls up his spine from a tendril of a breeze that found its way inside his shirt…

_Mmmmm… more…_

**_Can’t… still too soon… don’t want to scare him…_ **

_He wants more too…_ he stifles a moan as Cas grinds against him again

**_Can’t lose him… too fast… slow down…_ **

     Dean pulls back enough to rest his forehead against Cas’. Five beats he waits before softly pressing his lips against the pair under him. Five more before he is collected enough to speak coherently. He clears his throat.

     “Say the word, babe, and we can go back inside. “

     Dean looks into Castiel’s lust-blown pupils, just a sliver of blue rimming it and he knows his green ones must look the same. He watches as Cas’ eyes flash down to his lips, sees the tip of his tongue between his lips as he tries to wet the dry skin and Dean doesn’t care if he is wrecked, he can’t stop the whimper that escapes as he sees the shaking of Cas’ head. He presses in one more time… an almost desperate kiss before he pulls away, letting Cas pull his feet down and settling in the driver seat and closing the door. He pulls the key out and puts it in the ignition and Baby purrs to life.

     When he passes the turn that would take them back to campus… in about 10 - 15 minutes… in his peripheral he sees the look Cas gives him and reaches over to rub his thigh. With a quick look before his eyes are back on the road, he answers the unasked question without a direct answer.

     “Got some place quieter, and closer. Just wait… a few minutes.”

     After a few turns, an S curve, another turn or two, and Dean is pulling into a driveway. Following it around a line of trees and Dean sees home - a two-story log home surrounded by trees that has a wraparound porch, a balcony, and a couple rocking chairs out front. Dean pulls around the house and puts Baby in park.

     He turns to the man who, by now, is sitting flush against his side, his hand inching up his thigh, ever closer to the outline of his hardened cock in his jeans. He stares into Cas’ eyes, silently asking and Cas nods before pressing his lips up.  

     Their lips meet and this time it is Cas’ turn to have Dean pressed against one of Baby’s doors. Dean moans into the kiss, opening his mouth to Cas’ exploratory tongue and he feels Cas’ hands moving further up his thigh, softly stroking along the outline of his shaft as it rubs painfully against the denim of his jeans with each move he makes. With Cas leaned over him, practically straddling him in the front seat of his Baby, Dean almost doesn’t care anymore, but that little voice in the back of his head pipes up again.

**_Slow down Dean. Think unsexy thoughts or this will be over before it’s even properly started._ **

_Look at him! He wants this as bad as you do!_

**_You are not going to have your first ‘official’ time with your boyfriend in the front seat of Baby! You’re just NOT!_ **

_Bet you can’t make it to your room!_

     With a groan, Dean twists his head away from Cas and buries his face in his neck, trying to get a grip on everything going through his mind and body. When Cas’ hands won’t stop roaming, he takes them and holds Castiel’s wrists behind his back, effectively stopping the man’s exploration while he gets his body back under control. After a few minutes of heavy breathing and peppering soft kisses along Cas’ neck and ear, murmuring nonsensical noises to calm him, he lets go of Cas’ wrists and brings his hands up to frame his face. Looking deep into his eyes, he presses his lips softly against Cas’ perpetually dry ones before whispering “C’mon inside.”

     They walk to the door, the cold winter air causing Cas to cling to Dean a little tighter than usual, their fingers laced together while the fingers of Cas’ other hand curl around his bicep. Cas tries to look around at their surroundings, but the canopy of trees leaves the back of Ellen’s house in deep shadow from the moonlit night. All that Cas can get from the place is a sense of home; the quiet, the stillness, the serenity, it makes Cas feel safe, and Dean hears a soft little sigh coming from the lips near his ear as he fits the key into the lock. The door opens inward and when they step through, Dean uses his heel to push the door closed. He reaches behind him and engages the lock with his free hand even as he tugs Cas closer with the hand still joined to his. As their lips meet, he whispers to Cas.

     “I’ll give you the grand tour next time, but right now, what say we head to my room?” At Cas’ nod, Dean pulls him along through what could be a living room, down a hallway, and to a door that opens up to a set of stairs leading down to a basement. Taking the steps in the near darkness, Dean pulls Cas close as they step down into what seems to be a little studio apartment type set-up in the basement of the Harvelle house. Cas could care less about that at the moment though and he makes sure to let Dean know as he pulls Dean to him, backing up against the nearest wall and snaking a hand back up into Dean’s hair to pull him in for a soul searching kiss.

     Catching on quick, Dean’s hands move to Cas’ hips as he grinds into him, the tenuous hold he has kept over his libido snapping with a well-maneuvered thrust into his hips at the same time Cas snakes his tongue out into Dean’s mouth when it opens against his boyfriend’s kiss in a groan from the pressure.

**_Slow down!!_ **

_Can’t slow down!!! Need to feel… everything!!_

     Dean groans deep in his throat as he grinds Cas into the wall… his hands find the hem of his shirt and begins exploring inside, gliding over the planes of his stomach, his abs, and up until they find his hardened nipples and rub. When his fingers pinch and pull slightly on the nubs, Cas breaks the kiss as a gasp escapes his lips and his head falls back against the wall. Dean takes this opportunity to begin kissing every inch of skin he can find, starting along his softly stubble covered jaw-line, licking along the shell of his ear and suckling the tip of his earlobe between his teeth. Cas’ fingers tighten in Dean’s hair as he pulls moan after groan from the man in his arms, his lips and tongue tracing the same pattern he started when he had him against Baby behind the Roadhouse.

 _“Too many clothes!”_ he growls and it takes Dean a moment before he realizes he actually verbalized this thought. It really only dawns on Dean when he feels Cas nodding and pulling at his own shirt, trying to pull it up and over his body. They separate long enough to lose the shirts, the material falling to the floor beside them as Dean moves in, his tongue tracing his lips just before they latch onto Cas’ nipple.

     “Oh _fuck_!” escapes Cas as his hands burrow deeper into Dean’s dirty blonde hair as his body arches off the wall at the contact. Warmth suffuses him as Dean traces his tongue in circles around the nub as he nips and teases.

     “Tell me baby… _Uuuunnnnnnhh…._ _Tell me!!!”_ Dean moans against his chest as Cas’ hands move to pull him closer by his belt loops. When Cas’ hand brushes against his pants pocket, he feels his phone and Cas gets an idea. Pushing off the wall into Dean, his hands swiftly cup his cheeks as Cas pulls his face up to press hard against his lips before sliding out from in front of Dean.

     The moon shining in from the underground balcony glass doors is all Cas needs to see what he is doing. He quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket and after a few quick taps, the silence is filled with the music of Christina Perri’s ** _A Thousand Years._** A few more taps and he sets the phone down on the bedside table he sees in the moonlight. Turning back to face Dean, he toes off first one shoe, and then the other, kicking them off to the side just a tad as his hands move to the button of his jeans. He releases it and his hands move to the tab of his zipper. He sees Dean’s bottom lip caught between his teeth as his eyes are glued to what his hands are doing. As the zipper lowers, he hears a whimper escape the man that is still across the room. Parting the material, Cas hooks his thumbs inside not just his jeans, but his boxer briefs as well, and pushes them off his hips and down his legs in one swift motion. Pulling off his socks  he steps out of the pooled denim and cotton, kicking them by his shoes. Pausing for half a minute, he blushes beneath the scrutiny of his love’s gaze, his cock tightening at the appraisal and arousal he sees that mirrors his own. He still can’t believe this beautiful man wants him.

     Taking deliberate steps in time with the music, he crosses to stop in front of Dean and loses himself in the rings of green and black, lust-filled, wide-blown pupils.

_“Yours.”_

     Dean’s mouth crashes against Cas’ as the word escapes those beautiful lips. “ _MINE.”_ He answers as he backs Cas against the edge of his queen size bed. His lips follow him as he sits down on the edge. “Back” is whispered against the chapped ones and Cas scoots across the mattress, his eyes never leaving Dean. When his head is on the pillows, Dean stands and steps back, watching how the light from outside shines in, casting shadows over the man before him, his hands unbuckle his belt before popping the button of his own jeans. His gaze is pulled to the tongue that snakes out as he opens the zipper and pushes the jeans and everything else off. Crawling up the bed, he kisses first on an ankle, the inside of the knee, a thigh then a hip, carefully skirting the throbbing member heating his cheek, the hands of the man beneath him fisting tightly in the comforter they lay on.

    _“Deean!”_ the name is wracked from Castiel as Dean simultaneously laves his tongue on his nipple when his lean fingers wrap around his shaft. His lips move up over Cas’ collar, mouthing at his neck as he straddles Cas’ thigh, rutting into him, pressing him into the bed. He pulls another sinful sound from him as he strokes his cock, his thumb circling the head, spreading the precum that beads there all over the thickened member. _“Pleease!!! I Need you…”_

     At the plea his angel whimpers, Dean moves to the table beside the bed and rummages in the drawer before dropping a bottle of lube and a condom on the bed beside them. As he leans up over Cas, his hand trails up his leg, applying the slightest pressure to nudge his thigh up. Dean moves between Cas’ legs as he opens before him and he leans down to press a hard kiss on this man’s lips. Moving against him, their cocks slide against each other, pulling a moan from both men as their breaths catch with the friction. Cas’ hand moves to grip Dean’s shoulder as they move. Dean shifts over Cas to rest on one elbow and his now free hand moves to hold their cocks, softly stroking as he presses into Cas for kiss after kiss, never satisfied. Cas lifts one leg to wrap around Dean’s hip and grinds up into Dean.

     Dean releases his own cock but tugs one more time on Cas’ before grabbing the bottle from the bed and opening the cap. Squirting an ample amount in his hand, he smears it around his fingers before leaning back over Cas, his other hand gliding down between his balls, gently cupping the velvety skin before moving further as Dean kisses him through the moan from the sensation. Gliding across his perineum, the tip of his finger circles the puckered rim. Dean captures his lips as he presses in, moaning, smiling as he feels Cas’ hips canter up.

     Up on his knees between Cas’ legs, he watches the man unravel as he gets him ready. It barely registers that Cas must have put the song on repeat, which is perfect he thinks, for he couldn’t pick a better soundtrack to being with his angel. As Cas pants harder, Dean adds a second finger, his free hand gliding over a thigh, across a stomach. Dean’s eyes never leave the face below him, and when he bites his lip and whimpers _“More”,_ Dean gratifies his need. Turning the now three fingers, he notes the reaction as the pads of his fingers graze across Cas’ hidden bundle of sensations.

**_“Pleeeaassee!!!”_ **

     Dean can’t take his own torture any longer. He takes the packet from the bed and rips it open with his teeth. When he finally has it free, he sheathes his throbbing member in the latex and lines himself up with the fingers still thrusting deep. Pulling them out, he uses his hand to spread the lube along his cock before pressing the tip at the welcoming hole. In position, he leans back over Cas and holds one of Cas’ hands over his head as he steadies himself with the arm near the head. He pushes in and the blue eyes wince at the pressure. When his head is past the rim, Dean leans down and presses his lips to Cas’. Pulling his other leg up to wrap around his hip, Dean grips his hip and gently pushes further in.

 _“Just a little more”_ Dean whispers as he stares into the ocean rimmed pools of black before him. Both breathing deep, Cas raises his hips as Dean sinks all the way in. The whimper that bursts from Cas rings in Dean’s ear as they take a moment to adjust.

     “You are so beautiful, baby.” he murmurs as his lips tease the ones below him. Both hands holding Cas’ hands above his head now, he holds himself steady until he feels the legs around him tighten as Cas begins to move. Withdrawing slowly, he watches the emotions play across the face in front of him. Back and forth, he matches Cas’ movements, meeting him thrust for thrust in a dance as old as time, letting the pressure build. Cas’ hands slip down to pull at Dean’s hips. _“Faster!! Uunnnhhhh….”_ Dean shifts and the body beneath him almost convulses when he hits that button of nerve endings. Again and again, he targets that spot and the fingers on his hips tighten, along with the legs holding him so securely. _“Please, please, please…”_ is the breathy mantra that caresses Dean’s ear as Cas shudders and stiffens, his hands jerking up to grab Dean’s shoulders while his body constricts where they meet.

 _“Oh GOD Deeaaannnn!!!!”_ Cas cries out as his climax tears through his body and he paints his chest in stripes of white. Dean thrusts once more into the shivering body beneath him as his own orgasm takes hold. Twice, then a third and he is filling the condom, seated deep inside the man whose name is almost violently torn from his lips. Five beats and he softly rocks out and back in, working them both through the last aftershocks of their orgasms. Breathing heavily, he licks his dry lips before pressing their foreheads together. Five more beats and he feels the legs loosen around him and he slips from Cas’ body. He smiles at the whimper and presses a soft kiss to the corner of his lips before taking the condom off and tossing it into the trashcan he knows in under the table.

     He gets up and grabs a warm washcloth from the bathroom, cleans them up, and then pulls the covers down from under an almost comatose Cas so they can cover up.  He reaches in the mini fridge that is still down there and finds a bottle of water Sammy must have left. Thankful for small favors, he twists the cap and makes Cas drink his fill before finishing the rest. He picks up the phone and takes it off repeat, checking the time. Seeing it’s just barely eleven, he decides to set an alarm so they can get a nap before they go back to the bar. Sliding back into bed, he curls up around Cas who sighs contentedly as Usher’s **_U Got It Bad_** begins to play. Smiling, Dean reverently presses a kiss to the shoulder of the man in his arms and they both drift off to sleep, sated and content.

 

     Dean sleeps soundly, his breath puffing as he burrows under the old comforter, turning more onto his stomach as his leg slides over the edge of the bed. Cas watches him adoringly for a moment or two before he moves to his phone on the bedside table. He wants to stop the alarm before it actually wakes Dean but he lets the music continue to play.

     The need to use the bathroom is what drove Cas from the comfort of Dean’s arms in the first place. Now that the need has passed, he can’t help but take this opportunity for a glimpse of his boyfriend he hasn’t had before. They’ve stayed in his dorm, though not often because of Dean’s roommate. They practically _live_ at the Roadhouse, especially during this break. But this place, this is where he stayed after he got custody of Sam. This place holds more of Dean’s past than anything Dean has told him yet, anything ANY of them have told him yet.

     Cas looks around the room in the moonlight that spills in through the dugout balcony. It’s just enough to throw a luminescence around the basement apartment. There are posters on his wall of the bands he has loved forever apparently, a Led Zeppelin one on the ceiling just above the bed. Cas recognizes some of the names from the cassette tapes in a box in Baby. He spies some books on a desk and moves closer to find Vonnegut’s _Slaughterhouse-five and Cat’s Cradle_ as well as the entire Harry Potter series, among others. He sees pictures of Dean and Sammy on the wall, and one on his dresser. There are even pictures of them with Jo and Ellen and Ash, as well one of him and Professor Singer. _That’s interesting… Dean never said he knew the professor outside of school._

     Taking these little bits in, Cas finds his clothes as he moves through the room. Then he puts on his boxers and jeans as he moves back to sit on the edge of the bed, one leg up in front of him. He leans over and brushes a stray strand of hair back off his forehead. A soft smile plays across his lips while he watches Dean sleep. He looks at the clock on his phone and sees it’s a little after midnight. They should be getting back to the bar. He’s surprised there are no messages from anyone. They must still be singing the night away.

     He rubs his hands gently across Dean’s back to bring him back to consciousness while just enjoying touching him. Leaning over to press a cheek to his shoulder, he shakes him just enough to get a grunt. Talking to him, he finally gets Dean to open his eyes and look at him.

     “You said you wanted to go back to The Roadhouse after a quick nap. If we’re gone too much longer they may decide to send a search party.” Cas cajoles his boyfriend back to the land of the living. Figuring he might as well help the process along, he reaches over and turns the light on the bedside table on. And just as Dean starts to groan and moves to sit up, he sees it. Sitting at the back in the corner of the table, in a little gold painted frame, a picture of a baby he assumes is Sam, held in the arms of a beautiful, young, blond woman he can only guess is Mary. His gaze moves from Sam and his mother to the other half of the picture, a very young Dean held in the arms of… _But it can’t be…. But it obviously is… He looks so much younger._ Castiel’s eyes travel over the face of the man holding Dean and he knows. Deep down he already knows who it is. _He looks so much happier in the picture. I wonder what happened to him._

     The pieces fell together and Cas felt his heart stop. He knows Dean’s father.


	6. In Which Cas Learns a Thing or Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel goes to visit John Winchester... 
> 
> Without Dean's knowledge...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all... i am SOOOOOOOO sorry!!! I don't understand why this part of the series is taking me so long to write!!! i mean i literally wrote the first part, 5 chapters, in 2 weeks... TWO WEEKS.... and this part i have to drag from the characters bit by bit... 
> 
> I SWEAR I am trying though!!! and i refuse to give up!!! So have no fear, i promise this story will not be abandoned... and i think im getting close... or closer... to figuring out where this part will end... im thinking you guys can expect 2, MAYBE 3 more chapters and then this portion of Songs of Our Soul will be over. and ill have to figure out where to go from there... 
> 
> Also, this chapter feels a little short to me... I mean, its almost 2.5k... but still... it feels sorta short to me... so be prepared for a somewhat longer chapter when 7 is finished and posted... i have a feeling it is going to hold quite a bit of stuffs... 
> 
> Okies... On with the story!!!
> 
> Also... Thanks for reading!!! and being soooo patient with me!!!! 
> 
> Kudos and Comments are ALWAYS welcome~~~~~~ Lots of love to you guys!!!

_“Hello John.”_

     No, that doesn’t sound right.

_“Hello Mr. Winchester.”_

     No, I’m not supposed to know his last name.

 _“Hello… er… um…”_ *clears his throat*

_“Hello Sir. I don’t know if you remember me but…”_

 

     His fingers clench the steering wheel as he sits in the driveway of the picturesque home. His grip is so tight his knuckles are white, but that’s only to keep them from shaking, while his thumbs tap out a beat against the leather cover on the wheel. Trying to work this out in his head, Cas looks at the wooden door in the center of the green, two-story house. Steeling his nerves, he pulls the keys of his sister’s rental out of the ignition and drops them in the pocket of his tan trench coat before hesitantly pulling the handle on the door and stepping out of the vehicle.

     His steps slow as he walks up the pathway to the porch. He hesitates at the door, his hand poised to knock, still unsure of what he is going to say. _Hi, remember me? Professor Singer introduced us last Thanksgiving? I came and visited once or twice more… Guess how small of a world it is… I’m dating your son!..._ He huffs a breath out through his nose at his line of thought. Like _that’s_ gonna go over well!

 

     Just as he shakes himself out of it and reaches to actually knock, the door opens. The man on the other side stops when he sees Cas.

 

     “Whatever you’re selling, I don’t want…”

 

     “Wait… um…” Cas reaches to stop him from shutting the door.

 

     John pauses. “Hold on a second. I know you.” He looks at him harder, as though trying to see something through a fog. “Yeah. That’s right. You came out here with Bobby.” John Winchester peers around Castiel, trying to see if the other man is with him. “The old man here with ya? How’s he doing?”

 

     “No… um… sir. I came by myself. He’s doing good last I talked to him. I uh… I needed to talk to you about something, well, ask you about something that is.”

 

     John glances down the driveway once more, hoping to see his old friend despite the boy’s words. Then, with a resigned sigh, he steps back and invites the boy in with a sweep of his arm before leaving the doorway to walk towards the kitchen. Following the older man, Cas takes in and catalogues the differences almost a year can make. He notices more lines around the man’s eyes and mouth, more wrinkles in his brow. There is a more pronounced slump to his shoulders as he steps to the fridge, motioning Cas to sit in one of the chairs at the small table in the room, and there is much silver in the man’s naturally jet-black hair, especially around the temples. His sweatpants hang loosely from his hips while his t-shirt barely hides how thin he has gotten. Cas notices he pulls a jug of tea from inside the appliance instead of the expected beer and pulls two glasses out of a cabinet. After pouring the drinks, he puts the tea on the table and then a glass in front of his guest and sits across from him.

 

     Cas fiddles with his drink, staring into the liquid as if it can tell him how to start this conversation. He can feel John’s eyes on him as he sits there, listening to the music coming from a radio somewhere as John quietly waits for the words that won’t come.

 

     “Well?”

 

     “What happened to your wife?” John’s eyes go wide and Cas can see the pain and anger flare up and he struggles to correct himself before he gets thrown out already. “I mean… um…” he sighs and plants his hands on the table. “Forgive me, that was… abrupt. I mean that I met your son this year at school and… well… we have become… close.” Cas sees his eyes narrow at that choice of words and he hurriedly continues. “Jo has tried to tell me some of what happened, giving me a slight explanation for some of the things Dean says and does, but there were a few things that she felt wasn’t her place to tell the stories of. One of those being what happened to Dean’s mother. “

 

     “Have you asked Dean what happened?” John refuses to ask _just how close_ this boy is to his son.

 

     “No, Sir. I um, he hasn’t said anything and I don’t really want to ask if he isn’t ready to talk about it. Besides, um… I, well… I saw his picture of the four of you and when I realized we had met, I kind of wanted to hear it from you. If you are willing to tell me that is. I remembered the few visits I made here with Professor Singer and recalled the talks we had and I really wanted to hear your side of what happened.”

 

     It’s the older man’s turn to sit and stare into his drink as he considers how to answer, if he is going to answer.

 

     “I take it Dean doesn’t know you’re here?” The boy shakes his head and John asks another question. “Does he even know you and I have met?” Another negative response and John sighs heavily. He takes a drink from his glass and then stares off into nothing for a moment. Castiel is patient if nothing else, when he wants to be that is, so he sits back in his chair and waits, watching.

 

     “I swear, the very first time I saw her, she was in a car lot looking at a Volkswagen van. She was so beautiful I almost forgot about the Impala I was looking to buy… Almost.” His eyes go misty and unfocused as he sits there, remembering. He doesn’t entirely understand why _this boy_ , but for some reason, something is telling him it’s time to tell someone. He’s carried this around long enough and maybe if he tells this boy what happened he could finally let go.

 

     “Her blonde hair so cute and wavy, it kept escaping from behind her ear and my fingers itched to tuck it back even then. I can remember how her jeans flared out around her calves and her boots, the material caressing her body. The way her shirt hugged her under that jacket she wore was sinful and I have never been the best of men. But her, oh lord, she could bring a priest to his knees. When she turned around and her eyes locked with mine, it felt like there was no more oxygen on the planet. I could barely breathe as she smiled and walked over to me. Somehow I made it through our conversation and actually managed to ask her out that weekend. She giggled, smiled, and accepted my invitation before leaving the lot, plans made for us to meet up in a few days. I bought that car shortly thereafter and could not stop grinning until I saw her again. “

 

     Castiel can only listen as John is transported to the past. The words spill from the man before him, how fast the courtship was, how he just couldn’t wait to marry the love of his life, have children with the woman of his dreams. Then those dreams turned into nightmares and they were fighting over the smallest things. What John tells him next, doesn’t excuse what John did to Dean, or the way he raised Dean and Sam… nothing ever could… but it does help Castiel understand just a little better.

 

     “The last time I saw Mary alive, she had packed a bag and was leaving me. She was leaving us - for another... woman.” John’s eyes fall to the table and he reaches for his pack of cigarettes sitting on the table. Pulling one out, he lights it and sits back. Taking a long drag, he slowly exhales as he refocuses on Castiel.

 

     “That’s when she got into the accident. It hadn’t been raining so the police said she must have swerved to avoid something, an oncoming car or maybe a wild animal. Either way, she went off the road and hit a tree. They said she was lightly pinned, believed she might have been going fast enough that she hit the wheel and knocked herself out on impact. Otherwise, she might have gotten out before the flames caught and the car exploded.”

 

     Cas covers the gasp that escapes him with a hand over his mouth.  John gives him a pointed look that stalls any apology that was on the tip of his lips before he continues.

 

     “We might not have had the best of relationships, especially there at the end, but she didn’t deserve to die like that. She was… _still is_ … the love of my life. I just… if we could have…” John slumps into the chair as his mind travels down the well-worn path of regret and what if. They both grow quiet and the only sound in the kitchen is the radio, which has started to play Metallica’s **_One_ **. As the words pour out of John and his eyes slip closed, Cas can tell the man has forgotten he was even in the house.

 

_I can’t remember anything_

_Can’t tell if this is true or dream_

_Deep down inside I feel the scream_

_This terrible silence stops me_

 

_Now that the war is through with me_

_I’m waking up, I cannot see_

_That there’s not much left of me_

_Nothing is real but pain now_

 

_Hold my breath as I wish for death_

_Oh please, God, wake me_

 

_Back in the womb it’s much too real_

_In pumps life that I must feel_

_But can’t look forward to reveal_

_Look to the time when I’ll live_

 

_Fed through the tube that sticks in me_

_Just like a wartime novelty_

_Tied to machines that make me be_

_Cut this life off from me_

 

_Hold my breath as I wish for death_

_Oh please, God, wake me_

_Now the world is gone, I’m just one_

_Oh God, help me_

_Hold my breath as I wish for death_

_Oh please, God, help me_

_Darkness_

_Imprisoning me_

_All that I see_

_Absolute horror_

_I cannot live_

_I cannot die_

_Trapped in myself_

_Body my holding cell_

 

_Landmine_

_Has taken my sight_

_Taken my speech_

_Taken my hearing_

_Taken my arms_

_Taken my legs_

_Taken my soul_

_Left me with life in hell_

 

     When John opens his eyes, Cas sees a tear slip over his cheek and trace a path down to soak into the beard that looks like it hasn’t seen a razor in several years. He watches as the older man swipes it away with a sniff and a mumbled “Damn, I need a beer; I’m getting too soft in my old age. This is a fine time for me to be tryin’ to stay sober.”

 

     “Look, I’m sure I’m not one to tell you how to live your life, Lord knows I haven’t exactly made the best of mine so far. But I know I don’t need to tell you that living with regrets is worse than just about anything else out there. I also know that you probably don’t want to be hearing about your boys from some 20 year old college smart-ass, but you need to hear what I have to say.”

 

     “Just how… _close_ … are you and my boy Dean anyway?” John asks with narrowed eyes.

 

     “Honestly, Sir?” Cas asks and pauses till he sees John nod. “He is the love of my life.”

 

     John clenches his jaw, takes a deep breath, and just as Cas thinks the man is going to either scream, punch him, throw him out of the house, or all of the above, John just sighs.

 

     “Do you make him happy?”

 

     “I try, Sir.” Cas shrugs his shoulders with a sigh of his own. “I try everything in my power to make Dean happy, and I will continue to try until I take my last breath.”

 

     John watches closely as this boy answers him. Finally, he nods as he sees love shining from deep oceanic blue pools that seem to lose focus as the boy’s thoughts shift to his son. He sighs again as he realizes that Dean is this boy’s Mary. He just hopes things don’t end as badly as they did for him.

 

     “Since I’m pretty sure that you didn’t come all this way, without Dean’s knowledge, just to ask me about his mother, what’s up?”

 

     “Well, since you asked…” Cas looks around him as if to check and make sure they are completely alone - which, of course, they are. Then he proceeds to explain to John his idea.

     Castiel spends about another hour in the company of John. He tells him a few things about Dean, Sam, and their bunch that he is certain they won’t mind him knowing. If John asks anything that Cas feels it’s not quite his place to say, well… he just lets John know he would rather not answer those questions. When it’s time to go, he secures a promise from John to continue with the sobriety, as well as another. The second promise is to give himself a second chance. “How can you expect your sons to give you a second chance if you aren’t willing to give yourself one? Sobriety is the first step. The next step is to begin repairing those broken bridges, okay?”

  
     With the promises secured and the pit of his stomach feeling just a little bit lighter, Cas leaves the sad house to go take care of Ellen’s present.  When he picked up the photos, looking through them to find the one he wanted to blow up, he notices several pictures on the roll were taken that same night of their impromptu karaoke battle. Laughing out loud at some of the scenes in his hands, he realizes just how happy he is that he hasn’t already bought a frame for the one photo, because the photo present just became a collage. He makes one more stop, for just a few items to put together a second present for Dean for once they are alone, and some things for if his _main present_ blows up in his face, then he returns to Meg’s house to meet up with Anna and Gabe before meeting the rest of their group for another night at the Roadhouse.


	7. In Which The Past Is Purged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John needs to think over Castiel's proposition... what better way than with a guitar in his hand and a song on his lips...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SOOOOOOO Freaking sorry!!! You guys have, like NO idea, how much it has torn me up that it has taken me this long to get this chapter finished!!! SERIOUSLY!!! Writer's block is a biotch and John Winchester is more frustratingly stubborn than BOTH of his sons put together!!! UGH!!!!! I hope and pray that the next chapter will not take as long... but i make no guarantees... Hopefully only 3 more chapters to finish out the Christmas part of this story, one more for Christmas Eve dinner... and then one or two more for Christmas Day... THANK YOU ALL so much for sticking with me!!! 
> 
> A special little shout out to tfw_cas... whom i met not to long ago on fb... Thank you for the comments!!! It is so nice to hear your thoughts and know you are still loving the story!!!
> 
> Southern_Fried_Penguin... my partner in crime... the cas to my dean... my beta... I am so sorry for everything you have been going through Mama, you know i love ya!!! Thank you for everything you do!!! You know if you need anything, im there for ya!!! Also... I so can not wait for GISHweek!!! 
> 
> Any possible trigger warnings... check out end notes...

     “Thanks Ellen. I really do appreciate it. And I swear, not a drop!”

       _“It’s not a problem John. It really is good to hear from you. You know, you’re welcome to come to the diner tonight… I’m sure everyone would love to know you’re doing better.”_

     “I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about that, though I’m not so sure _everyone_ will share your sentiment. I will have to let you know.  I haven’t quite made that decision just yet.”

_“No worries. I will talk to you later, John. And I hope I see you tonight. But if not, Merry Christmas.”_

     ”Merry Christmas to you too, Ellen.” John finishes the call and closes his flip phone. As much as he hates it, Bobby was right to talk him into calling Ellen. After Castiel had left his house the other day, he went and found the professor at home. They sat and talked, and John broke down and told his oldest and best friend everything. John told him about the fight he had with Mary right before she took off. He told him about how Mary’s lover, Kate was her name, had found him and while he resented the fact that she had in essence stolen his wife, he had found comfort in the woman’s presence and her misery over the loss of their shared love.  

     She was the one who suggested not telling anyone about her affair with Mary. She said she didn’t want to break the boys’ hearts further by telling them their mother was leaving them anyway. She said it was unnecessarily cruel. Bobby listened while John explained how after a time the visits stopped being about Mary and just became about spending time with the woman. He even told Bobby about how one night, things had crossed a line John couldn’t come back from. A child came from that night, and Bobby learned about Dean and Sam’s younger half-brother Adam. That was when Bobby convinced John that he needed to go along with Castiel’s idea and make things right this Christmas.

     That was what brought John Winchester to the Roadhouse the night before Christmas Eve. He needed to think and he always did his clearest thinking with a guitar in his lap and his fingers on the strings. Since he had lost (more likely pawned for liquor money long ago) his own guitar, he broke down and called the number for Ellen that Bobby had given him. She was thrilled to hear that he was sober and on the road to recovery, though she read him the riot act for taking so long to call. He gave her the Cliff’s Notes version of what he told Bobby and explained he just needed some space to think clearly. She offered up the Roadhouse without a hint of hesitation, despite the need he felt to assure her that he wouldn’t touch a single bottle of anything, other than water, in the bar.

     John is so preoccupied with his own thoughts, he misses the impala parked behind the building as he maneuvers his own car in. He approaches the back door and barely notices musical notes making their way to him. The closer he gets, the louder they are and the thought crosses his mind that Ellen forgot to mention they leave the jukebox on. He cautiously opens the door just in case he is wrong, as he doesn’t want to scare or alert anyone to his presence without the chance to explain that he is allowed to be there. He slips in and lets the door close silently behind him while letting his eyes adjust to the darkness inside.

     After a minute goes by, he realizes he hasn’t been spotted. That’s only because his son’s eyes are closed as he sits on the stage. Dean apparently had the same train of thought as his own since his fingers are strumming on the guitar. He is picking out a tune that John faintly recognizes as a song called **Father Of Mine** by the band Everclear.

_Father of mine  
_ _Tell me where have you been  
You know I just closed my eyes  
My whole world disappeared  
  
Father of mine  
Take me back to the day  
Yeah, when I was still your golden boy  
Back before you went away  
  
I remember blue skies,  
Walking the block  
I loved it when you held me high  
I loved to hear you talk  
  
You would take me to the movie  
You would take me to the beach  
Take me to a place inside  
That is so hard to reach  
  
Father of mine  
Tell me where did you go  
Yeah, you had the world inside your hand  
But you did not seem to know  
  
Father of mine  
Tell me what do you see  
When you look back at your wasted life  
And you don't see me  
  
I was four years old  
Doing all that I could  
It wasn't easy for me to be a scared little boy  
Back in that neighborhood  
  
Sometimes you would give me a birthday card  
With a five dollar bill  
I never understood you then  
And I guess I never will  
  
Daddy gave me a name  
My dad he gave me a name  
Then he walked away  
Daddy gave me a name  
Then he walked away  
My dad gave me a name  
  
Daddy gave me a name  
My dad he gave me a name  
Then he walked away  
Daddy gave me a name  
Then he walked away  
My dad gave me a name  
  
Father of mine  
Tell me where have you been  
Yeah, I just closed my eyes  
And the world disappeared  
  
Father of mine  
Tell me how do you sleep  
With the children you abandoned  
And the mom you kept from me  
  
I will never be safe  
I will never be sane  
I will always be weird inside  
I will always be lame  
  
Now I am a grown man  
I’ll want a child of my own  
And I swear I'm not going to let them know  
All the pain I have known  
  
Then he walked away  
Daddy gave me a name  
Then he walked away  
My dad gave me a name  
Then he walked away  
_

     John silently moves to get a bar stool and brings it to the shadows so he can sit and listen. He watches as Dean plays, and for what might be the first time, he begins to understand what he never could before. The tune changes with barely a chance to catch his breath and John doesn’t notice the tears that slip from his own eyes at the message that is finally getting through.

Tearing me apart with words you wouldn't say,  
And suddenly tomorrow's moment washed away.  
'Cause I don't have a reason, and you don't have the time,  
But we both keep on waiting for something we won't find.  
  
The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday,  
With shadows floating over, the scars began to fade.  
You said family was forever but then it slipped away,  
Standing at the end of the final masquerade.  
  
The final masquerade!  
  
All I ever wanted, the secrets that you keep,  
All you've ever wanted, the truth I couldn't speak.  
'Cause I can't see forgiveness, and you can't see the crime,  
And we both keep on waiting for what we left behind.  
  
The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday,  
With shadows floating over, the scars began to fade.  
You said family was forever but then it slipped away,  
Standing at the end of the final masquerade.  
  
The final masquerade!  
The final masquerade!  
Standing at the end of the final masquerade!  
  
The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday,  
With shadows floating over, the scars began to fade.  
We said it was forever but then it slipped away,  
Standing at the end of the final masquerade.  
  
Standing at the end of the final masquerade!  
Standing at the end of the final masquerade!  
The final masquerade!

            John listens as the music changes from what he realizes was Linkin’ Park’s **_Final Masquerade_** into another song. John knows it’s a slightly older song though he can’t quite remember the name or artist. As he listens though, he realizes that Dean is singing about Castiel. It strikes him like a slap to the face that he is the reason his son feels the need to defend his relationship with the boy, even when no one else is around. With each word of the song that fills the room, John’s head hangs just a little bit lower.

If you could only see the way he loves me  
Then maybe you would understand  
Why I feel this way about our love  
And what I must do  
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says  
When he says he loves me  
  
Well you got your reasons  
And you got your lies  
And you got your manipulations  
They cut me down to size  
  
Sayin' you love but you don't  
You give your love but you won't  
  
If you could only see the way he loves me  
Then maybe you would understand  
Why I feel this way about our love  
And what I must do  
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says  
When he says he loves me  
  
Seems the road less traveled  
Shows happiness unraveled  
And you got to take a little dirt  
To keep what you love  
That's what you gotta do  
  
Sayin' you love but you don't  
You give your love but you won't  
You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there  
  
Sayin' you love where you stand  
Give your heart when you can  
  
If you could only see the way he loves me  
Then maybe you would understand  
Why I feel this way about our love  
And what I must do  
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says  
When he says he loves me  
  
Sayin' you love but you don't  
You give your love but you won't  
Sayin' you love where you stand  
Give your heart when you can  
  
If you could only see the way he loves me  
Then maybe you would understand  
Why I feel this way about or love  
And what I must do  
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says  
When he says he loves me.

     Dean takes a deep breath, caressing the neck of the guitar softly before placing it back in the stand on the stage. As he heads to the bathroom, John moves to take his place, thinking it uncanny that they would be needing the same kind of therapy. But then again, that was part of their problem, him and his oldest son. They could be so much alike it was painful.

~~~~~

     Dean steps out of the bathroom and stands in the darkened hallway that hides the doors from the rest of the bar. He pauses because he can hear someone tuning a guitar and when he peeks around the wall, he sees John with the same instrument he just put down. Before he realizes what he is doing, he is sliding down into the nearest chair, waiting to see what this man is doing here. As he watches, he takes in the changes in the man he called his father. He notices the grey hairs in his temple and moving up through the once full head of black hair. Dean takes in the slump in his shoulders as he moves his hands along the strings. He does notice that John seems sure, sober at least, and that is what he believes stopped him from making his presence known – he wanted to take a moment and observe this stranger for it was not his father up there, or the drunk that would not leave them alone. Then the music starts and he couldn’t speak if he tried.

We used to have it all  
It was us against the world, but now  
I’ve been sleeping on my own  
Spending all these nights alone knowing you’re not coming home  
  
Cause you’re running through my dreams  
It’s like you’re on repeat  
Feels like eternity, and I can’t believe  
  
I let you in, you left me out  
You left me on my own, you left me all alone  
I let you in, you bled me out  
You left me skin and bone, you left me all alone  
  
You left me all alone  
  
I would’ve gave it all  
Truth be told I can’t believe you’re gone  
Like a dream I can’t recall  
Still I gotta face the fact that you’re never coming back  
  
Cause you’re running through my dreams  
It’s like you’re on repeat  
Feels like eternity, and I can’t believe  
  
I let you in, you left me out  
You left me on my own, you left me all alone  
I let you in, you bled me out  
You left me skin and bone, you left me all alone  
You used to run, run through my veins  
And to be honest, I know I’ll never be the same  
I let you in, you left me out  
You left me on my own, you left me all alone  
  
You left me all alone  
  
I see you in my dreams  
I can’t believe you’re gone  
When it’s too dark to see  
I’ll leave the light on  
I’ll leave the light on  
I’ll leave the light on  
When it’s too dark to see  
  
I let you in, you left me out  
You left me on my own, you left me all alone  
I let you in, you bled me out  
You left me skin and bone, you left me all alone  
You used to run, run through my veins  
And to be honest, I know I’ll never be the same  
I let you in, you left me out  
You left me on my own, you left me all alone

            As Dean listens, the song changes from **Alone** by I Prevail to **Here Without You** by 3 Doors Down and Dean can’t help but be somewhat surprised that John knows these more current songs, but then he realizes that he doesn’t know that much about this man before him anymore. He watches his father lose himself in memories and wonders, not for the first time, what demons he has had to face.

A hundred days have made me older  
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.  
A thousand lies have made me colder,  
And I don't think I can look at this the same.  
  
But all the years that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face.  
  
I'm here without you, baby,  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you, baby,  
And I dream about you all the time.  
  
I'm here without you, baby,  
But you're still with me in my dreams,  
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah.  
  
The miles just keep rollin'  
As the people leave their way to say "Hello".  
I've heard this life is overrated,  
But I hope that it gets better as we go.  
  
I'm here without you, baby,  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you, baby,  
And I dream about you all the time.  
  
I'm here without you, baby,  
But you're still with me in my dreams,  
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me.  
  
Everything I know,  
And anywhere I go,  
It gets hard,  
But it won't take away my love.  
  
And when the last one falls,  
When it's all said and done,  
It gets hard,  
But it won't take away my love.  
  
I'm here without you, baby,  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you, baby,  
And I dream about you all the time.  
  
I'm here without you, baby,  
But you're still with me in my dreams,  
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me.

            The song comes to a close and Dean watches the man on the stage. He reaches down for a bottle of water and takes a long swallow before twisting his head this way and that… getting the kinks out. Dean watches as he just strums… not sure what to say now to make his presence known, if he even needs to say something that is. He stands, slowly, still in the shadows and makes his way silently closer to the stage as his father picks out another tune. A smile lights the edges of his lips at the memories of John singing this to Mary as they danced in the living room one night, his voice mingling with Patrick Swayze and realizes **She’s Like The Wind** is the reason behind the rule that Swayze always gets a pass.

She's like the wind,  
Through my tree  
She rides the night  
Next to me  
  
She leads me through moonlight  
Only to burn me with the sun  
She's taken my heart  
But she doesn't know what she's done  
  
Feel her breath in my face  
Her body close to me  
Can't look in her eyes  
She's out of my league  
  
Just a fool to believe  
I have anything she needs  
She's like the wind  
  
I look in the mirror  
And all I see  
Is a young old man  
With only a dream  
Am I just fooling myself  
That she'll stop the pain?  
Living without her  
I'd go insane!  
  
I feel her breath in my face  
Her body close to me  
Can't look in her eyes  
She's out of my league  
  
Just a fool to believe  
I have anything she needs  
She's like the wind  
  
I feel your breath in my face  
Your body close to me  
Can't look in your eyes  
You're out of my league  
  
Just a fool to believe (Just a fool to believe)  
She's like the wind  
  
(Just a fool to believe) Just a fool to believe  
(She's like the wind)  
  
Just a fool to believe (Just a fool to believe)  
She's like the wind  
  
(Just a fool to believe) Just a fool to believe  
She's like the wind  
  
(Just a fool...she's like the wind)  
  
(She's like the wind)  
  
(Just a fool...she's like the wind)  
(Just a fool...)

            Sitting near the front center of the stage, he waits till the last strains of the song play before bringing his hands together in a slow applause. He notices the lack of surprise in his father’s face and wonders how long the man had been here before he played. How many songs of Dean’s did he hear? Did he hear the one meant for him? He had to have heard the one about Cas, **If You Could Only See** by Tonic.

            Almost as though he can read Dean’s mind, John nods, looks down at the edge of the stage before looking back up to face his son. He takes a deep breath, holds it for half a second, and then blows it out, shaking his head as if he is trying to get everything to settle down. John’s eyes close as he inhales deeply once again, through his nose this time, before they open and lock on Deans, the words coming out in a rush.

            “I know it doesn’t make it better. I know it doesn’t change anything I’ve said or done. But I want, no… I NEED you to know that I… I _am_ sorry. You were right to take Sammy and I was too blind and too drunk to see what I was doing to you, and to him. You were right to call me a homophobic asshole and a bigot and I honestly deserved every punch and then some.” A long sigh escapes the older man as his eyes drift to the floor again and his fingers strum mindlessly along the strings of the guitar on his leg.

            Dean sits in front of the stage, waiting. For what, he isn’t sure, but when his father finally looks up and meets his eyes again, he can’t help the words that come rushing forth.

            “What...?  Is that…? What am I supposed to do with that John? I mean, honestly? Am I supposed to fall over my feet trying to tell you that ‘Oh it will be alright!’ and ‘That’s okay! You’re sober now and we can just pick up right where we left off now!’?? Because it’s not going to be alright John! It’s Not okay that it’s been over a decade since I’ve seen you sober! And it is Most Definitely NOT okay that you RUINED your son’s graduation celebration by showing up DRUNK and making an ASS of yourself!” Dean takes a deep breath as he stops his sudden pacing to stare at his father. “Are you here to ruin his first Christmas home? Is that what this is? Because I won’t let you do it! Sammy is going to enjoy his vacation and he is going to be able to celebrate Christmas in peace this year!”

            “I mean, c’mon Dad, what gives??” Dean asks when he doesn’t get a response, slipping out of using his given name without even realizing it. He watches his father’s shoulders slump even further and really notices the toll the years have taken. From this close, he can see the bags beneath his father’s eyes as a tear slips silently over John’s cheeks. He sees how deep the lines and wrinkles in his face have gotten and Dean can’t help the slight thawing of his icy feelings towards his father. He plops down on the edge of the stage at his father’s feet and suddenly, everything he has kept bottled up comes out as a tear he didn’t realize was there falls to his jean-clad thigh.

            “We lost her, too, Dad.” Dean murmurs with a soft sob. “And then we lost you and I didn’t know how to make it better. Sammy didn’t know anything, he was still just a baby. But you didn’t care, you didn’t care about anything except how quick you could get to the bottom of your next bottle.”

            “Your mother was leaving me.” John says into the quiet, his gaze never wavering from the edge of the guitar in his hand, unable to see his eldest son’s reaction as he finally decides to come clean… with everything.

            “What?”

            “Your mother… um… she uh… the day, um, that she. Well, the day that she had her accident, she and I got into a fight because she told me that she was leaving me.” John chances a glance at his son and seeing the steely green gaze fixed on him, he swallows hard before continuing. “She was leaving me for a… um… a woman. “

            “Are you fucking _kidding_ me??? And what?? That made it okay for you to HIT me?!?!?!  Because you couldn’t hit HER??”

            “Now, I _NEVER_ laid a hand on your mother!” John put the guitar in the stand and jumped down off the stage so he was eye level with his son, who was pacing again.

            “Look. I didn’t come here to fight with you!” John sighs when Dean faces him again. “Hell, I didn’t even know you were going to be here.”

            “Why are you even here?”

            “Well… um… maybe you should sit back down.”

            With his arms crossed over his chest, Dean eyed his father warily before stepping back to the stage to lower himself, looking up at the man before him with eyes that narrowed in concern? distrust?

            John stopped pacing, looked at Dean sitting on the stage, and then paced some more, unsure of how to even start. How was he supposed to tell his oldest estranged son that his _boyfriend_ had figured out that they knew each other and invited him to Christmas Eve Dinner as a Christmas present to try to rebuild the bridge that they both had a hand in burning?

            At Dean’s raised eyebrow, John cleared his throat, then sat in one of the chairs in front of the stage.

            “I uh… I was trying to decide if I was going to come to dinner tonight.”

            “Wow, actually stopping to think about what? How somebody else might feel if you crashed it this year?” Dean stopped short at the look in his father’s eyes.

            “I was invited.”

            “Ellen invites _everybody_ … it’s kinda the point of having one here at the Roadhouse.”

            “I was invited… by your boyfriend.”

            That finally renders Dean speechless. He sat there, mouth agape, and stared at his father, trying to figure out if he was being serious, or if that was some kind of euphemism.

            “Wanna run that by me one more time?” is all Dean is able to get out once his brain registers the words he’s not sure he heard right.

            “Castiel. He um… I mean he didn’t… I um, I just assumed, but I mean if you two aren’t together then…” he gets cut off by Dean’s next question.

            “Wait… What?? No... _How…_ do **you…** know Cas?”

            “Bobby actually. Um… Bobby brought him by the house… ‘round Thanksgiving last year.” Finally looking his son squarely in the face, he huffs out a breath before sitting forward and holding up a hand to stop any more questions from pouring out of the boy. “Look, let me tell you this. It’s going to take a minute and I need to start at the beginning. But it will be easier if you save all of the questions for the end. Okay?” At Dean’s nod, John braces his arms against his thighs and stares at the ground, taking a moment to figure out what the beginning should be. Heaving a heavy sigh, he starts.

            “I don’t know exactly how much you remember about life with Ma-… with your mom,” he pauses and clears his throat. “We had our problems, but I loved her with everything I had from the first time I saw her. I wanted to take care of her, provide for her, and make sure no harm ever came to her. At first, she reveled in it, and I thought she felt the same as I. Then as our months together stretched into years it seemed that she tolerated it more than anything. Then came the day that I began to believe she resented it. I tried to do, to _be_ everything she needed, wanted, but it never felt like it was enough. We had reached a… plateau of sorts… after Sammy was born.” John looks up and realizes Dean might take that as him trying to shift blame to his brother, and backpedals quickly. “Not like that. I, we… Your mother was a very… adventurous woman. I often wondered while we were just _dating_ … if I could actually keep up with her.” John’s eyes become unfocused as he loses himself in the purging.

            “When she agreed to marry me, it truly was the happiest day of my life. That is, until you, and then Sam, were born. She loved you and Sammy something fierce, I know she did. But I often wondered if she was truly cut out to be a mom. She loved the idea of buying a house together and having a family to raise, but after a year or two, she started to grow restless. By the time Sam was six months old, I was somewhat shocked that she was still around. She loved you boys with everything she ever gave me and more, and I don’t say this to be mean, but even you boys weren’t enough to keep her home anymore. She would go out to the bars in the next towns and when she came home we would get in the worst fights. I would try to get her to be quiet so she wouldn’t wake you guys up but I know you heard us Dean. Nevertheless, she didn’t care who heard us, well, her, and I _am_ sorry you had to hear those fights.”

            Dean’s eyes grow misty as he takes in what his father is telling him. His perception of the past, though he knew it was already colored by time and changed by nostalgia, shifts again, taking in the new information and his father’s perspective. He sees some events as though a fog had lifted and some of the fights he does remember make more sense looking back now. Some of the things John has said during their own fights fit better with this perceived point of view taken into consideration and he re-focuses his attention back to the man before him, who seems even more lost in the past than he felt.

            “Anyway,” John brings both of their attentions back to the story of the moment rather than their own memories of the past…  “The night that your mother … um… we had a fight. She had packed a couple bags and was taking off to be with her… _lover_ … left me a note with a promise to be in touch when they settled down somewhere. I uh, I wasn’t supposed to find it until the morning, but I heard Sammy crying through the baby monitor and got up. When I saw her dressed and packed, I confronted her, asked her how she could just leave me… leave _US_ … like this, in the middle of the night. She tried to say it was best for everyone but I knew she just meant best for _her_ … and she wouldn’t listen to any sort of reason. I couldn’t get Sammy to calm down so when I saw you in the doorway of the kitchen, I sent you to go sing to him. Do you remember Dean? You boys didn’t need to see mommy leave. I tried to keep her Dean, I tried… but I failed.”

            Dean watches the tears slip over his father’s cheeks as they sit in silence, both their minds swirling with what-might-have-beens.

            “As soon as I heard the knock on the door, I knew what had happened. As sure as I had been behind the wheel, when I saw that officer’s face, I knew your mother was never coming back. When her lover showed up about a week later, I wondered what kind of cruel God would taunt me with the fact that Mary had left me for a woman. Kate kept coming around. First, in the bar, she would just ask to sit with me in the corner. We eventually started talking, sharing memories. It stopped hurting for a little bit. I didn’t feel like such a failure, more like a man who had fallen in love with a shooting star. I took little comfort, but still, it was some comfort, in the knowledge that I was not alone in my loss of this love. It was a loss that you could never share with me Dean, neither you nor your brother. I know you lost your mom, and I am not belittling that pain, but now, think of how it would feel to lose Castiel, and know your last words were in anger.” He sees the pain and darkness flash across his son’s eyes and knows he hit the bull’s eye with his words.            

            “That is the pain I couldn’t recover from. And I couldn’t bring you down with me. I couldn’t ask you to go there… so… I had to ask you to keep Sammy from it. And I’m so sorry. I should never have asked even that of you. It was way more than any child should have to go through and I know there is nothing I can ever say or do that can make it right. But no matter what I do now, I can’t change the past. I can’t take back what I did and what I asked of you, no matter how much I wish it so.”

            It is some deep breaths later, a blown nose or two, and a few generous sips of the water before he finds his voice again. John heaves a great sigh before he continues, and Dean couldn’t interrupt if he wanted to. He doubts his voice would work for him in this moment at all.

            “Then, Kate came to me. She had a child, a little boy she named Adam… I told her she could call him Winchester, but she gave him her name, Milligan.” John comes back to the present for just a moment. “I could set it up if you wanted to meet him… someday… but uh… yeah. For a little while, I had forgotten the pain. Not you boys, I could never forget you boys, but just… some days it hurt too much to remember. So I stayed away, or found blissful ignorance at the bottom of an empty bottle.  And it seemed easier to let Ellen and Bobby watch out for you. They tried to get me interested in what you boys were doing, but all I could see was how much better off you were without me.”

            “And then came your eighteenth birthday. Oh such joy! The day you were supposed to be a man. Someone I could talk to and would learn about his own loves and losses and in a few more years, I can take him out to a bar and buy him a beer in front of all of our friends and family! My Boy. Who came home to tell me… that he likes boys… And I know I overreacted, I **_know_** I did… but all I heard in my head was Mary leaving me for Kate and I couldn’t go through that again. I couldn’t live through… no… I knew I _wouldn’t_ live through losing Mary like that again. And you have always had so much of your mother in you Dean. 

“Anyway, when you left and took Sammy, not even Kate could pull me out of the hole I fell in. She finally stopped coming around for good and wouldn’t let Adam come to see me. Bobby would just shake his head at me and tell me I needed to get my shit together. And he was right, don’t get me wrong. But at that time, I just couldn’t hear it. Everyone was so much better off without me. They had lives that were going good, and then Sam was Valedictorian and… I just… I had to see him… but then everything went so wrong… so wrong… and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

            “Last year, though, right before Thanksgiving, Bobby showed up with this scrawny little college kid in tow. Introduced him as Cas- _tea_ -el…” John emphasizes the pronunciation and Dean can’t help but smile because he had the same trouble with it. It’s why he calls his boyfriend ‘Cas’. “He said it was the name of an angel. I asked him why on earth he was bringing some kid around me. Said he didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays, and he knew I didn’t have anyone to visit either, so he was taking it upon himself to make sure we weren’t alone. He told me to be prepared to go out for dinner that Thursday for Thanksgiving, and to look nice. I honestly didn’t think he would go through with it, lord only knows why. I should have known better. He showed up at about 5 o’clock to make sure I hadn’t started drinking yet. He said if he was going to be seen in public with me, I had better be sober.”

            “He’s a real quiet one, that Cas of yours,” John notes with a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Made it real awkward when we had dinner with Bobby and Karen.  I mean, I didn’t know what to talk about with my own college kid, let alone around a strange one. We finally made it through the dinner and when Bobby took us home, he stopped at my place first. Castiel stepped out of the car, I thought to just come around and get up front, but when he wrapped his arms around me, I was shocked. He looked at me when I stepped back and said ‘I am so sorry for whatever it is that you have been through.’ Then he just slid into the front seat.“

            “I don’t know what it was that he saw in me, but apparently he asked Bobby about me a few more times until he finally asked if he wanted to come with him to check on me. We never talked about what happened, with him or me, but it was good. He would tell me stories of him and his brothers and sister and he would listen when I would reminisce about life... before. Then he came back one last time, right before Sammy graduated actually, by himself that time and asked me some real hard questions, ones I didn’t want to admit the answers to. I told him to leave and not to come back until he learned to respect his elders. His last words that day were to ask me how I could expect to get any semblance of my life or happiness back if I was just living in memories and refusing to move forward, drowning the pain.”

            “I don’t need to tell you what happened at Sam’s graduation, but that day I knew I couldn’t get any lower. I had finally hit rock bottom. I won’t make any excuses for my behavior that day either. I deserved Sammy’s disgust as much as I deserved yours. I thought I had lost my last chance at getting anything back after that. Even so, when I woke up from that last hangover, I knew I couldn’t touch another drop. And I haven’t since, not that it matters exactly, but it is the truth. I’ve been working steady at a garage here in town. Bobby has stopped in once or twice, but never stayed long – just long enough to make sure I was still living.”

            “Then, a couple days ago, who shows up on my doorstep but a certain guardian angel that we both know. Apparently, he decides to ask me the questions he didn’t get a chance to the last time I had seen him. After explaining about Mary, he tells me about… well, about how you two met. He tells me that he is doing his best to make you happy.” John raises his eyes to his sons face and sees a soft smile appear on his lips as he hears this. “It looks like he is doing a pretty good job. And then he tells me that he wants me to come to Christmas Dinner at the Roadhouse. He asks me how I’m supposed to expect my boys to give me a second chance if I won’t even give myself one. He tells me I need to work towards repairing the burned and broken bridge between us, and what better way than Christmas Dinner. I tried to tell him I didn’t think you boys would want me there, but he wouldn’t hear it. He said there have already been several ‘Christmas Miracles’ happening this year, so why not this one too. He wouldn’t leave until I promised to at least think it over.”

            “You know Sammy’s not going to like this. Especially if he doesn’t get any sort of warning.”

            At Dean’s words, John’s head shoots up. He knows that is as close as Dean will get to acknowledging any sort of apology. His head starts to hang slightly as he nods, knowing Dean is right.

            “Now, I’m not saying things are all good, but if you’re seriously sober, then I can talk to Cas, since this was supposed to be his surprise and all, and we can decide how to let Sammy know to expect you.”

            “So…” John looks at his son, almost afraid to believe he is being given this chance. “You’re… okay, I mean with me showing up tonight?”

            “I think so.” Dean nods slowly as he stands up. “Yeah, I think so.” He reaches out and places a hand on his father’s shoulder before he moves to the back door to leave. John hears the rumble of the impala as she starts up and smiles softly to himself, thanking whatever God may be out there for bringing a raven-haired, blue-eyed, scrawny boy of an angel into their lives.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly never know what to give trigger warnings for... so if there is anything you think needs a warning, let me know and i will add it... I don't like to put them in front because possible spoilers...
> 
> Since this is a John and Dean chapter... basically mentions of homophobic language as well as past violence... not even really canon-typical violence... but they talk about John's past... mentions of, well, pretty much domestic violence, arguments, the fight between John and Dean and then John and Sam... Also... some cussing... if i need to warn about that... but yeah... i mean it's John and Dean... 
> 
> Any questions? Ideas? Remember... Kudos and Comments are what keep me going!!! I love you guys!!! Thank you for reading and seriously let me know what you think!!! 
> 
> I have a question for anybody reading along... How do you think SAM is gonna take this???


End file.
